Q: Can you forgive someone who does not ask?
A: Well, no but yes. I had better explain.In the world of life and relationship advice, often people are given the advice to forgive others. There a number of reasons we are encouraged to forgive such as freedom, healing, helping yourself, and physical health. No doubt there are many reasons someone may want to forgive. However, the greatest reason for a follower of Christ to forgive is an act of obedience to God that is motivated by the love of Christ (2 Cor 5:14).
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is giving up the right to revenge a wrong, to release the offender from your grip, and to clear the record of wrong in your heart by not holding it against the other person. All forgiveness is to be based on God’s forgiveness of us (Eph 4:32; Col 3:13). When God forgives, He removes liability for punishment (Isa 43:25) and no longer holds our sins against us (Heb. 8:12; 10:17).
How does God forgive?
If we are to forgive the way God in Christ forgives us, then the question to consider is, “How does God forgive?”
In light of today’s blog, the question becomes, “Is there ever a time when God forgives us when we do not ask?”
Simply put, no. However, on the cross, God in Christ put Himself in an attitude of forgiveness toward all.
If you want forgiveness from God, you must ask. God does not forgive any person without that individual going to Him to request it first (Acts 10:43; Rom 3:23-26; Rom 10:9; cf., Acts 2:38). This is true initially in seeking forgiveness from our sin and sinfulness, which we call salvation. This is also true when after salvation we go to God and seek His forgiveness for our sin (1 John 1:9).
At any point, God’s heart toward the sinner is one of forgiveness. He desires to forgive. Yet, the sinner is not forgiven until He asks for it. The person who dies in his sin and never asks God for forgiveness will face eternal punishment – not because God was not predisposed through Christ and His sacrifice on the cross to forgive but because the person never sought forgiveness personally. God’s attitude was toward forgiveness; however, the forgiveness was never transacted.
Attitudinal Forgiveness
Jesus said, “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25). Jesus expected the person who is standing and praying to forgive the person who has sinned against him or her. The assumption in this text is that this person is not standing there with you. It does not say to go and tell the offending party before finishing the prayer. So what Jesus is talking about it an attitude of forgiveness or attitudinal forgiveness.
If someone has sinned against you and you are praying, you want your heart to be in an attitude of forgiveness. An attitude of forgiveness is expected even if the offending party has not taken responsibility for the sin nor has asked. Neither the other person taking responsibility nor asking for forgiveness are contingent upon your heart taking a position of forgiveness toward this other person.
How is this possible? Essentially in humility the Christian makes a commitment before God that he or she is ready to forgive if and when the offender asks. This commitment means that the Christ follower gives up resentment, ill-will, bitterness, and a desire for revenge. As he or she stands praying, the promise is made to God that, based upon the finished work of Christ on the cross and the forgiveness of sin offered through Him, the offended person will apply the mercy God demonstrated to him or her to that other person. In doing this, the person adopts an attitude of forgiveness. Just as God stands ready to forgive the sinner who comes to Him, the offended person stands ready to forgive the person who comes to Him as well.
Transacted Forgiveness
Jesus also taught that forgiveness is also conditioned on the person requesting it. He said, “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3).
There are two actions here. First, rebuke the offender. Why is it necessary to rebuke him? This conversation allows the offender to recognize the sin against the offended and seek forgiveness to God and the offended. Then, if the offender repents, the offended forgives him or her. Forgiveness is transacted, known as transacted forgiveness.
This is similar to the way God forgives us in Christ as well. When the sinner needing salvation comes to God and repents of sin, God forgives. When the Christ-follower also comes to God and seeks forgiveness of sin (1 John 1:9), God is also always faithful and just to forgive sin and cleanse from all unrighteousness. Because God stands in the ready position attitudinally, He is always faithful and just to forgive when asked.
So the same for each of us. Because we have already put our heart in an attitude of forgiveness (attitudinal forgiveness), when the offender comes to us and asks forgiveness, we can be ready to faithfully grant the request (transacted forgiveness). Similar to passing a baton between runners in a race, the offender and offended pass off the offense and the forgiveness for the offense to each other. It is a transaction. Both parties are aware of it and both parties respond to the request.
Forgiving and Forgiven
Therefore, our heart is forgiving toward the offender as a promise before God. We make this promise to God and wrestle with the attitudes of our heart before we even pray. This should be done quickly after an offense. In this way, we can say that we have a forgiving heart toward the person and offense.
When our heart is right, the next step is to approach the person and tell them of our offense. The goal is to allow the person the opportunity to realize the sin and seek forgiveness from us and God. When the person seeks our forgiveness and we grant it, this person is forgiven. There is a transaction that takes place with the offense and mercy granted from the offended. At this point, we can say that this person is forgiven.
Summary
We are to forgive the way God forgives us. This forgiveness is a transaction of His mercy for our offense whenever we ask for forgiveness. Until we ask, God stands ready to forgive us. In a similar way, we are to be forgiving and grant others forgiveness. When someone sins against us, we are to get our hearts in an immediate attitude of forgiveness toward the offender, known as attitudinal forgiveness. At the point the offender seeks our forgiveness, we then are to offer forgiveness based upon the mercies of God through Christ to us, known as transacted forgiveness.
Can you then forgive someone who does not ask? No – transacted forgiveness is not possible. But yes – you can enjoy a forgiving attitude or spirit toward that person. Even though the offender does not enjoy the blessings of a forgiven relationship, you can still enjoy the blessings of being a forgiving person.
Other articles in this series:
Forgiving and Forgetting: Are they the same?
When Forgiveness Doesn’t Come Easy
Pastor Kevin’s Blog | Walking together through life as friends in Christ sharing wisdom along the journey
