Often when people come with difficulties in the area of sex, the problem is not related to technique or many things physical. Further, the problem is not that sex just becomes boring after a period of time. Typically, a sex problem flows out of a general marriage problem. What makes the conversation related to sex so difficult? What is the connection between sex and communication?
Sex as Part of Communication
Where there are difficulties discussing sex, there are also difficulties with communication in general. Often in discussing communication, the broadest two categories include verbal and non-verbal communication. Verbal communication primarily focuses on the use of words and sounds to express yourself. Non-verbal communication refers to all other communication techniques such as gestures, behaviors, and mannerisms. In a real way, although verbal communication potentially enhances sex, sex is one of the means of non-verbal communication.
As a couple participates in sex together, the act itself communicates (along with words and sounds). Most married couples readily identify with words like rigid, jumpy, hot, ready, turned on, passionate, among many others. Those words are used to capture an observation by one spouse of another. Prior to sex, after observing one’s spouse and his or her non-verbal behavior, many come to a general conclusion that possibly “I know what he wants tonight” or “She is ready” or “He seems a little distracted” or “She seems a little cold” or “He’s paying more attention to his phone than he is to me” or “I’m not sure she is interested.” The non-verbal behavior communicates (which of course can not be always trusted and needs to be followed with actual verbal conversation).
While in the midst of sex (generally, not just intercourse), the actions of sex become part of the non-verbal communication process. If one spouse tightly squeezes in against the body of the other, that communicates. If one turns their head in order to not kiss, that communicates. If a spouse moves their body in particular ways, it can communicate both positively and negatively. The point is this: sexual activity is part of communication. But that is not all it is.
Sex as a Reflection of Communication
Married couples who experience sexual difficulties typically are also experiencing difficulties in other areas of their relationship. Careful observation typically reveals there are additional problem areas stemming from a variety of places such as: money, children, household responsibilities, time together or apart, habits, various sins, preferences, extended family, remembering or not remembering key dates and items of importance, and expectations. As a result, one or both spouses often can feel lonely, distant, and disappointed.
Sex reflects the struggles in communicating with each other and in these other areas of difficulty too. To the extent where the couple fails to communicate in Christ-centered, God-honoring ways related to issues of sin and preference, to that same extent the couple will struggle with sex. Sex just becomes another item on the list.
Sex as a Result of the Heart of Communication
The Marriage Pyramid (www.kevincarson.com)
As you consider this Marriage Pyramid notice that sex is part of the Problem Level.
Much of what is discussed above in terms of communication is in the middle section, the Relational Skills Level.
However, these are not the most prominent features in the triangle. Both the Problem Level and the Relational Skills Level rest on the Worship Base of the pyramid.
What does this teach us? Whatever a spouse is living for at the worship base level will be reflected throughout the rest of the pyramid. For instance, if one is living for respect or control or with fear, that person will use his or her relationship skills to try get what he or she wants – either respect or control or to mitigate what they fear. Furthermore, they will employ these relational skills in reference to their problem areas.
Consider how the Bible teaches this simple principle. Jesus said, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). We could re-write it this way, “A good man or woman out of the good treasure of his or her heart brings forth good; and an evil man or woman out of the evil treasure of his or her heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart (from his or her worship base), his or her mouth speaks.”
Solomon also discussed the heart. He exhorted, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it springs forth the issues of life” (Prov 4:23). Whatever exercises control over the heart, exercises control over the whole person. This has a direct impact on every relational skill at the Relational Level and on every issue, including sex, at the Problem Level.
Daily Habits that will Help Sex and Communication
Practice friendship. How do we treat a friend? How do we want to be treated as a friend? Make sure you do not take the other person for granted. When your spouse tries to communicate (even though poorly at times), respond with attention. Potentially you feel grumpy, pouty, or otherwise not inclined to engage (possibly because of fear or anger), please do not give in to the temptation to do your own thing. Instead, move toward the spouse in love (1 Peter 4:8).
Practice affection, general courtesy, kindness, thoughtfulness, and gratitude toward each other. Hug, embrace, share kisses, touch each other, and use love pats. Depending on how your heart is struggling, this may be hard work. However, force yourself to use your relational skills for the good of the other person. Talk about important stuff. Also communicate about life in the mundane. Laugh over the silly. Reflect on what you have read, heard, or thought.
Married couples, regardless of the pressures and stresses in life, need to prioritize time together. Go out to dinner with one another (or lunch, breakfast, or coffee). Choose to be romantic. Do not let the children, jobs, or the internet distract you from what is best. Give each other the gift of time and intimacy.
In other words, sex is just one of the many things that couples need to talk about and, when there are problems, for which to find solutions.
Yes, Communication and Sex are Connected.
If you are struggling in your sex life, take time to prayerfully consider two issues. First, for what are you living? What exercises functional control over your life? Second, after you have answered the first issue and believe that God is honored with your heart, then ask, How does the totality of my communication reflect what is most important in my heart? What do I need to change? What do I need to do different? Then strive to begin those things.
So, in preparation for the next blog on sex, ask yourself this question, “How can you understand the struggle of a man’s desire for sex in marriage?” Talk with you then.
Part 1: What Do You Need to Know about Sex and Why?
Part 2: What is the Ultimate Purpose of Sex?
Part 3: What is the motivation for good sex?
Part 4: What are the benefits of good sex?
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[1] I’m grateful to Winston Smith and John Bettler for this diagram while I was a student in my doctoral studies.