Both in individual and group counseling with men, one of the biggest temptations for married men is discontentment with reasonable expectations for sex within his own marriage. Often when a husband is not satisfied with the amount of sex in marriage, the lack of sex provides a rich environment for a myriad of other sins and marital complications.
As a wife, you potentially have begun objecting to my first paragraph. Please, hold off on your judgement until you read the entire blog. I am not blame-shifting your husband’s sin to you. Not only is that unwise because I do not know your particular situation in your marriage, but I also know you will not stand before God and be accountable for your husband’s sin. But you will be accountable for your part in His sin. Therefore, I want you to seriously consider the desire of your husband.
The Struggle: Fascinating Patterns in Marriage
Three observations regarding what I see in counseling. First, I have never met a wife that does not want a husband that is satisfied with her as a person, with her as a wife, and with marriage. In fact, her desire is for him to passionately enjoy her and love her – and exclusively her. The thought of her husband wanting to be married to another person, wanting sex with another person, looking at pornography, or just checking out random women with whom he comes into contact saddens her, at least, and often angers her. Most wives I counsel leave zero tolerance for a husband who does any of those things, or she lives with incredible hurt where those things exist.
The second observation relates to the real world struggle of living daily in marriage as a sufferer and sinner with a sufferer and sinner. Life is hard. Pressures abound on the wife from the daily responsibilities and cares of being a wife and often a mother, in addition to the other demands in her life. The thought of having to keep a husband satisfied sexually easily slips off her radar. Her activities and responsibilities in a typical day include cooking, cleaning, laundry, making sure kids are clean, either educating children or supervising their education, serving as the household taxi, organization of the household, keeping everyone’s schedules, and there’s more. For many wives, there are also the demands of working outside the home in addition to being a wife and mother. The thought of keeping a husband satisfied can overwhelm her when she has wiped snot off her body all day, had babies attached to the same breast that now he wants to enjoy, depleted her energy to do everything else that needed to get done, and the many other demands. She thinks, “I have no energy, no desire, and no passion. He should be satisfied with me, our marriage, and my love because I have proved it all day long in everything I have done without even asking for a thank you.”
My third observation relates to sin and conflict. Whenever you add the normal life sins, struggles, and disappointments of living with another sinner as a sinner, this often has a direct impact on sex. As a wife you get disappointed, angry, or otherwise put off by something. Because you want him to know that you are, you choose to say no to sex. Or if you do not say no, you just make sure he knows through your behavior and attitude not to even think about it (although he still thinks about it even if he does not ask). Sex becomes the tool of communication to let your husband know that you have a point to make, even if he is not listening well to it.
This is real-life.
This is a real-life struggle. As a wife, you should desire and receive a husband who is satisfied, passionate, caring, and faithful. He should notice all you do for him and his children daily. He should be appreciative. You want him to live without temptation. You want him to be faithful in every way to you, to be sensitive to your feelings, to care for you more than he does any other thing, and to lead you toward Christ.
But at the exact same time, he also desires sexual satisfaction. Even if your husband is so dedicated to Christ and your satisfaction that he typically is not demanding nor is he assuming, that does not mean he does not want to enjoy sex with you.
Understanding Your Husband’s Desire
I often talk to women who jokingly say that it is impossible to satisfy their husbands. They surmise based upon their own experience that men cannot be satisfied sexually. So how do you understand your husband’s desires?
There are four pressures on husbands that encourage them to desire sex with you. Here they are in what I would consider the least important to the most important. But all of them are important.
Biological Pressure. God has made a man’s body to highly enjoy and desire sex. Beginning at puberty, a young man’s body begins to be respond to testosterone. He begins to get natural urges. He finds himself with more and greater erections that he does not even understand. He begins to feel certain ways that he has not even considered. What seemed gross to him begins to seem pleasurable and desirable. God has made his body to desire sex. Once a man is married, this does not change. Age may lessen the biological pressure on him; however, it does not die. Just as your body goes through cycles, a husband’s body also exerts natural pressure on the man.
Visual Stimulation. God has also made a man to be visually stimulated by the women generally, and designed specifically to be stimulated by his wife. This has been evidenced since Adam. When God brought Eve in Genesis 2 to him, he essentially said, “Wow! This! This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh!” He was ecstatic. He was pleased just be her sight. Wife, your husband is stimulated by your body, your skin, and your essence as a woman. He is not a pervert to enjoy your body. His eyes are for you and should be on you. You in fact actually want this. He can be visually stimulated anywhere, but in order to honor Christ, he needs to be stimulated by you.
Physical Delight. Sex feels good. It is delightful. Whereas a wife enjoys climax and must, at times, work hard with her husband to achieve physical delight, most husbands (without physical problems) reach climax much easier. In the process of sex, endorphins are released. It is an incredible combination of physical delight as designed by God.
Intimate Worship. As I described earlier, when understood in light of all that God has designed for sex, the opportunity to have sex with your spouse is actually a deep worship experience. In this moment, a husband and wife are enjoying the gift of God, made possible through Christ, and empowered by the Spirit together. This is much more than a mere physical delight. This is worship.
Does a Husband Need Sex?
As a cocktail, these four pressures produce an incredible desire in your husband for sex. For sure his desire is not a need (as we will discuss in tomorrow’s blog). He can function and honor Christ and love you without being satisfied sexually. Just because we would not call it a need, however, does not make it any less of a strong desire. I have heard women say, “Well since it is not a need and only a desire, he just needs to control himself.” Yes, this is true. Men must grow in self-control, which again we will discuss tomorrow.
Wives, do not misunderstand the issue of desire. If a wife refuses to have sex with her husband, she is asking her husband to swim upstream against the normal pressure of being a man. Plus, as a wife, the question becomes why would you want to put him in that situation? We will discuss this issue further in another blog as well.
So, in preparation for the next blog on sex, you can consider this question, “How should a husband deal with his desire for sex?” Talk with you then.
Part 1: What Do You Need to Know about Sex and Why?
Part 2: What is the Ultimate Purpose of Sex?
Part 3: What is the motivation for good sex?
Part 4: What are the benefits of good sex?
Part 5: What is the connection between sex and communication?
KevinCarson.com | Walking together through life as friends in Christ sharing wisdom along the journey
I like all of this, especially the worship part; it is true. As such an incredible gift from God, taking pleasure in each other can be transcendent emotionally adding an incredible depth to intimacy. I believe another pressure is tender love. In a great marriage the man will also experience a drive to embrace his wife physically purely out of love; a strong desire to express love and to also bring pleasure to her, both physical and emotional. This is the heart of a servant husband.
You are right. Your first paragraph almost lost me. The rest of the article was spot on. We women, especially Christian women, have not been taught enough about men’s or women’s sexuality. We are expected to turn the corner from “don’t do it” to “do it whenever you like” in about 30 minutes if the wedding ceremony lasts that long. Our emotions don’t catch up that quickly. I have told my husband many times in our 45 years, “you just don’t understand how strong female hormones are”. I wish he had been able to tell me the same about men. Only in the last few years as I have been teaching Healthy Sexuality to a college class have I learned what you are saying in this article. Sex is worship, especially when one chooses to serve rather than be served.
Thank you for offering helpful guides. It will definitely help in improving marriage relationships.
It’s not enough for him to ‘appreciate’ all she does for him and the children though. As you say ‘ life is real’, maybe some ‘real’ help to take something off her plate at home would be good advice for husbands, then she’d have more time and energy for him.
Absolutely. Love, gratitude, and service go both ways.
But what do they do about the pressures on the wife? You acknowledge this but then you sidestep it and don’t make any useful suggestions about what they can actually do to relieve some of these pressures and make it easier for her to meet his needs. But then, maritlal sex isn’t just about his needs.
I understand your question. I address this in other blogs related to this issue. Begin here: https://kevincarson.com/2019/02/23/husband-are-you-cheating-your-wife/
Sex is for both husband and wife. You don’t mention that the pleasure she should be getting is just as important as her husband’s. The reason many women don’t want sex is because her needs before and during sex are being seen as less important. In other words ( to put it bluntly), he might be a selfish, negligent lover who never listens to her. You can’t just tell women that it’s their responsibility to satisfy their husbands without looking at him and what he does to help her want to have sex with him.
Thank you for your comment. I write in another blog: “Instead, you should desire to pleasure your wife more than be pleasured yourself (1 Cor 7:3-4). Your erection should come from a desire to please her (giving) not a desire to ‘get some’ (receiving). As you contemplate sex, a godly husband focuses on what he can give to his wife and how he can bring her pleasure, not just the joy of his own physical pleasure and orgasm. If you are more focused on what you will receive versus what you can give, you are cheating your wife.” https://kevincarson.com/2019/02/23/husband-are-you-cheating-your-wife/
Mmm, I’ve just had a look at that post and while I agree with what you have written, I don’t think it covers the immediate practical needs of a stressed wife and mother. I think most husbands could do with more direct, practical advice along with the spiritual.
You’re misunderstanding the point, I believe. His erection should come from the opportunity to please his wife, regardless of how she gets her pleasure. The point is the husband should get excited because he gets to serve his wife, not because he gets served.