What is permissible sexually in marriage? Is there anything we can’t do sexually in marriage? What can a couple do sexually together? Can a married couple have anal sex? oral sex? practice masturbation? use sex toys? Are any of these things a sin? These are common questions I hear among young adults as they either consider marriage or are newly married.

Let us be honest with each other, these are great questions. If as a married couple we desire to honor God in all we do – including the bedroom, then we need to ask these questions. It is appropriate to figure this out. The problem is that most Christians either cannot or will not talk through these issues. Many times fellow believers will depend upon tradition, go with whatever they were told by somebody somewhere sometime, or just follow what the culture teaches. There may be many reasons for this; however, the silence by Christians leaders in this crucial area of discipleship must end.

For these reasons, it is necessary to address this issue for married couples. What is a Christian allowed to do in sex? What is permissible?

What does the Bible say regarding sex?

Throughout this blog series, we have already established that the Bible teaches that sex in marriage is pure and holy.[1] The marriage bed is undefiled, or, in other words, sex is not just permissible but pure for the married couple (Heb 13:4). Each spouse is given to the other to lovingly enjoy and serve (1 Cor 7:3-4). Both the husband and wife should be satisfied with their sexual relationship together (Prov 5:18-19).

Does the Bible address these specific issues?

Part of the confusion some have related to what is permissible sexually in marriage comes from the Bible’s silence on these matters. A Bible student will not find by title anal sex, oral sex, masturbation, or the use of sex toys in a concordance. Some of these issues may be in the Bible by inference, but for the most part, they are not. Therefore, many Christians are at a loss as to what they should or should not do. Does God care what the couple should do? Is anything and everything permissible? How can the Christian couple know?

Six Questions to Consider Related to Sexual Activity in Marriage

As a couple begins to explore and answer questions related to specific sexual acts in marriage, the Bible does provide guidance. There are six questions that help identify whether a particular act in marriage is sinful, unwise, or permissible.

  1. Is it required or prohibited in the Bible? This is direct evidence from the Scriptures and immediately gives direction for the Christian. Here are some very specific examples.
    – God is to receive the glory for all things sexual (1 Cor 6:19-20).
    – Each spouse is to satisfy the other sexually (1 Cor 7:3-4; Prov 5:18-19).
    – Premarital and extramarital sex are always sinful (Heb 13:4).
    – All forms of sexual immorality are sinful, including pornography (1 Thess 4:3-8).
  2. Is it unnatural? This question relates to Paul’s description of the downward spiral of mankind into sin. He writes: “Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.” (Rom 1:24-27). Paul identifies as sinful what is not natural. Any sex act therefore that is not natural would be wrong. Explicitly, Paul identifies homosexuality. Implicitly, Paul refers to what is not natural generally.
  3. Is it unhealthy or could it cause harm? Is it unloving? This question and the next both relate to issues of love. This first one considers if the sex act can cause harm. The Apostle Paul writes, “Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law...all [are] summed up in this saying, namely, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.‘ Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law” (Rom 13:8-10). The key idea is simple: love does not do anything that harms a neighbor. In this instance, the neighbor is the spouse with whom you desire to do any particular sex act. Instead, love seeks the highest good of the neighbor – what is best and that which does not harm physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.
  4. Is it unkind? Is it unloving? This question relates to a different expression of love; mainly, is it kind? One of the most well-known passages on love in the Bible helps us understand this issue better. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; …does not behave rudely, does not seek its own…” (1 Cor 13:4-7; cf. Eph 4:32; 5:1-7). Love is kind, not unkind. Love prefers others, it does not consider self first. Love is tenderhearted and self-sacrificial. To ask a spouse to do anything that he or she does not want to do or is against his or her conscience is unkind. Wherever there is anything unkind in the sexual relationship, that is wrong.  
  5. Is it against the conscience of the spouse? The Apostle Paul is also helpful here. Regarding the Christian’s own heart and living a God-honoring, others-concerned life, he writes, “So then each of us shall give account of himself to God…It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak. Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin” (Rom 14:12-23). Here Paul reminds Christians that all will give an account before God. As each one does, part of the accountability will relate to why and how the Christian chooses what he or she does in daily living. Paul highlights the issue of faith. If for instance a particular action is not sin, but in one’s heart it feels like a sin, then for that person it is. Not because the act itself is inherently sinful, but because the Christian performing the act cannot do it in full faith. To him or her it feels like sin. Thus, if the Christian does what is technically not a sin but does it with an unclear conscience; then for that person it is sin.
  6. What is your motive? What is the condition of your heart? This final question relates to the motive of the one seeking a particular sex act. (I have discussed this earlier here, here, and here.) Why does he or she want to do this? Is it love? Is it motivated by the desire to give? Does it fulfill the purpose of glorifying God? Will it enhance the worship experience of sex together? Or are there other motives? Is it driven by selfishness? Is it driven by the lust of the flesh? Is the spouse who desires this particular act doing so because of pornography, fantasies, regular masturbation, or other experiences which make routine sex with his or her spouse seem boring? Does he or she believe that their typical sex can no longer satisfy?

Therefore, what is permissible sexually in a marriage?

As a couple, you will need to work through these six questions as you consider various sexual acts, positions, toys, or other sexual practices. Although it is much better whenever the Bible clearly identifies a particular act as either sanctioned or forbidden, the reality is that most specific acts are not mentioned. Therefore it is essential for the married couple to work through these six questions together. Even though a particular act may not be identified as sin in a particular text, that does not mean that the act under consideration is automatically not sinful. Each of the six questions come to bear on what is sinful or not sinful.

What makes a particular act sinful?

  • If the Bible prohibits it (question one), it is sinful.
  • If you answer “Yes” to any of the questions two through five, then the act is sinful.
  • If your motive is wrong (question six), then it is sinful.

A Much Better Question

Answering the question – “Is it a sin?” – is the lowest possible question you can ask and answer. Is this important to know? Yes, absolutely. However, there is a much better question to ask. Hebrews 12:1-2 reads:

1 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

The Bible teaches that sin must go. Notice how the text says to lay aside every sin that so easily ensnares us. Therefore, the answer to the question “Is it a sin?” is important.

However, there is a much better question we need to ask in this text. Notice again what it says. “Let us lay aside every weight…and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us…” The second issue of greater importance in this text is this: “Will it help you run?” There are many things that may not be sin, but at the same time, they may not help you run. They may make the race harder. They may hinder your endurance. The Bible tells us to lay those things aside as well.

Therefore, there may be some issues related to sex in marriage that are not specifically sinful, but, as you consider them together, you will determine that they do not help you run the race with endurance. Those things need to be put off as well.

How is it possible to do those things? Back to the text: “…looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” It is possible because we look unto Jesus who is the author and finisher of our faith.

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From here, we will begin to apply these six questions to several specific sex acts that are often discussed in counseling. In preparation for the next blog on sex, you can consider this question, “What does the Bible say about anal sex?” Talk with you then.

Part 1: What You Need to Know about Sex and Why

Part 2: What is the Ultimate Purpose of Sex?

Part 3: What is the motivation for good sex?

Part 4: What are the benefits of good sex?

Part 5: What is the connection between sex and communication?

Part 6: How can you understand the struggle of a man’s desire for sex in marriage?

Part 7: How should a husband deal with his desire for sex?

Part 8: Wife, are you cheating your husband?

Part 9: Husband, are you cheating your wife?

Part 10: What Does the Bible Teach about Sex? Sex in Marriage is Pure and Holy.

Part 11: What does the Bible say about how often a married couple should have sex?

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