Can a married couple have oral sex? Is it a sin to have oral sex? Is oral sex permissible according to the Bible? As a biblical counselor who often talks with couples who are preparing for marriage, have just been married, or are struggling in marriage, oral sex is a common topic. Similar to anal sex, Christians over time have handled this issue in various ways. For the sake of this article, when discussing oral sex, I exclusively refer to oral sex between a husband and wife as a married couple; all other oral sex is sinful. Furthermore, today, as throughout the rest of the series, I am answering issues that often flow out of conversations with counselees in counseling. The goal of putting these items in print is to answer specific questions as a biblical counselor for others who counsel and those whose pastors, churches, or contexts do not facilitate this discussion.

I appreciate what John Piper said in regard to this issue: “Questions relating to sexual intimacy should, I think, be handled with what you might call verbal modesty, rather than shocking or crass words. I think dressing and talking in immodest ways are both ways. So that is kind of governing some of my language now. These are real concerns. I am okay with this question. It is a little bit difficult and sensitive, but it is okay. People want biblical guidance, and so here is my effort at biblical wisdom.”

Today we focus on “What does the Bible teach about oral sex?”

Is oral sex mentioned in the Bible?

Oral sex as a term or a specific practice does not appear nor is it described explicitly in the Bible. The Bible is silent as it relates to oral sex. However, many commentators, counselors, and pastors suggest there are portions of the Song of Solomon that at least imply oral sex.

Without question, Song of Solomon is a love story between Solomon and his bride which celebrates their love together. I reject any allegorical interpretation of the Song as a love story between Christ and the Church. In his love story, Solomon employs highly metaphoric language to describe the delights of sex in marriage. Any serious Bible expositor must exercise extreme caution when dealing with this text. The metaphors are used in total to describe the beautiful love and sexual relationship that flows out of that love between Solomon and his bride. To point to specific passages and make claims as to what each element of the metaphor refers to takes the text too far.

John MacArthur describes the Song this way:

“Of course. But sometimes a metaphor is also a euphemism, and that is clearly the case with some of the disputed imagery in Song of Solomon. There is no exegetical way to decide what the various jewels, flowers, scents, oils, and other sensual pleasures named in the poem represented in the author’s mind. He purposely leaves them vague. The symbols are therefore not necessarily meant to have any one-to-one relationship with corresponding realities; rather they are general emblems of beauty and desire. Solomon uses the symbolism instead of saying anything explicit—which (by definition) makes these metaphors euphemistic, too. …

Song of Solomon is deliberately veiled in poetic euphemisms that are beautiful by any measure. Some of the imagery is fairly obvious, some highly debatable. In many places the meaning is indistinct enough to permit a great deal of hermeneutical imagination, and wisdom would seem to teach that here—especially here—it is best for the preacher not to be a lot more explicit than the Holy Spirit was. …

This is a vital point: The style of communication between these two lovers beautifully conceals all but the most essential meaning of their love songs in a way that guards the deeply personal (and divinely intended) privacy of the marriage bed. …

Song of Solomon is incredibly beautiful precisely because it is so carefully veiled. It is a perfect description of the wonderful, tender, intimate discovery that God designed to take place between a young man and his bride in a place of secrecy. We are not told in vivid terms what all the metaphors mean, because the beauty of marital passion is in the eye of the beholder—where it should stay.”

The key verses often referred to as specifically implying oral sex are Song 2:3; 4:16; 5:1; and 7:6-8. Again, care must be taken as to whether or not these verses apply to oral sex. At best, they are used in a veiled way to discuss it. In an effort to carefully honor God’s Word and the intent of the Holy Spirit in it, I suggest two key points from the Song. First, the text does not prescribe oral sex in any stretch of the imagination. Some pastors such as Mark Driscoll have inaccurately suggested this. Second, this text may very well imply oral sex but that is veiled behind the privacy of Solomon and his wife’s marriage bed. Therefore, at best, this emphasizes oral sex as private between a husband and his wife.

Is oral sex sinful, unwise, or permissible?

In the previous blog, I developed six questions to consider related to sexual activity in marriage. These six questions help identify whether a particular act in marriage is sinful, unwise, or permissible. They provide us guidance as we answer this question (some of the responses are similar to the previous blog).

  1. Is it required or prohibited in the Bible? Here we seek direct evidence from the Scriptures that provides specific direction as to whether an act is sanctioned and required or forbidden. The Bible never mentions oral sex. We want to exercise extreme caution then. As followers of Christ, we should not declare a particular thing sin when the Bible does not call it a sin, nor should we ever declare a specific thing not a sin if in fact the Bible does declare it a sin. In this case, the Bible never mentions it. Therefore, we cannot turn to a particular verse and specifically call oral sex a sin. Although it would be nice to have a specific verse to determine its sinfulness, there are additional criteria to help us discern if in fact oral sex is a sin. Is it required or prohibited in the Bible? No
  2. Is it unnatural? There is nothing related to a husband’s or wife’s physiology that suggests oral sex is unnatural. In fact two Bible verses may imply it is quite natural. I appreciate the way John Piper answers this question.“So, is there anything physically natural about a husband’s fascination with his wife’s breasts? Well, you might say no. That is not what breasts are for. But Proverbs 5:19says, “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” And Song of Solomon 7:7–8 are even more explicit, speaking of the woman: “Your stature is like a palm tree and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine.”Well, even though there is very little anatomical correlation between a man’s hands or his lips and his wife’s breasts, it surely seems to be “natural” in another way; namely, built-in delight and desire that God in his word seems to commend for our marital enjoyment. So, I ask: Well, might there be similar desires for oral sex or other kinds of sex? So, I doubt that we should put a limit on a married couple based on the claim of it being unnatural. That is risky, but that is where I come down on the naturalness of it.”Is it unnatural? No.
  3. Is it unhealthy or could it cause harm? Is it unloving? As discussed in the previous blog, this issue relates to love. Love seeks the highest good of the neighbor; that is, whatever is best and that which does not harm physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. In consideration of oral sex, it can possibly be unhealthy. If either the husband or wife has a sexually transmitted disease, it can certainly be harmful. It is possible for human papillomavirus infections (HPI/HPV) to cause mouth and throat cancer.[1][2][3] However, in a monogamous sexual relationship between a husband and wife where they know neither of them have an STD, then this would not be dangerous or harmful. Is it unhealthy or could it cause harm? Is it unloving? Possibly, if there are sexually transmitted diseases.
  4. Is it unkind? Is it unloving? This question relates to a different expression of love; mainly, is it kind? Wherever there is anything unkind in the sexual relationship, the lack of kindness or the failure to show love is wrong. If in an effort to be pleased, a husband or wife demands something from the other when the spouse does not want to participate, that would be unkind and unloving. If there is however no demand, and both the husband and the wife would want to participate, then oral sex would not be either unkind or unloving. Is it unkind? Is it unloving? No, not particularly.
  5. Is it against the conscience of the spouse? If a desired activity by either spouse is not consistent with the conscience of the other spouse, then the request for the sexual act needs to be dropped. If the spouse with the bothered conscience is coerced in participating, the manipulating spouse has encouraged sin. To do anything against one’s conscience is sin; in other words, to not be able to do something in faith is sin (Rom 14:19-23). Therefore, if either spouse does not want to participate in oral sex because of conscience, then the only thing in this instance that honors God is to pass on that request. Is it against the conscience of the spouse? Depends, each case would be different.
  6. What is your motive? What is the condition of your heart? This final question relates to the motive of the one seeking a particular sex act. (I have discussed this earlier here, here, and here.) As we wrote in the earlier blog, consider these questions. Why does he or she want to do this? Is it love? Is it motivated by the desire to give? Does it fulfill the purpose of glorifying God? Will it enhance the worship experience of sex together? Or are there other motives? Is it driven by selfishness? Is it driven by the lust of the flesh? Is the spouse who desires this particular act doing so because of pornography, fantasies, regular masturbation, or other experiences which make routine sex with his or her spouse seem boring? Does he or she believe that their typical sex can no longer satisfy? What is your motive? What is the condition of your heart? Depends, each case would be different.

Is Oral Sex Sinful?

What makes a particular act sinful?

  • If the Bible prohibits it (question one), it is sinful. In this case, the Bible does not prohibit it by name. or description.
  • If you answer “Yes” to any of the questions two through five, then the act is sinful. In this case, it is not unnatural, could potentially cause harm in some cases, and could be unkind in some cases. It also possibly could be against the conscience of the spouse.
  • If your motive is wrong (question six), then it is sinful. Each person would have to answer this question individually.

Is oral sex sinful? No, but it possibly could be depending upon answers three through six

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We will continue to apply these six questions to specific sex acts that are often discussed in counseling. In preparation for the next blog on sex, you can consider this question, “What does the Bible say about masturbation?” Talk with you then.

Part 1: What You Need to Know about Sex and Why

Part 2: What is the Ultimate Purpose of Sex?

Part 3: What is the motivation for good sex?

Part 4: What are the benefits of good sex?

Part 5: What is the connection between sex and communication?

Part 6: How can you understand the struggle of a man’s desire for sex in marriage?

Part 7: How should a husband deal with his desire for sex?

Part 8: Wife, are you cheating your husband?

Part 9: Husband, are you cheating your wife?

Part 10: What Does the Bible Teach about Sex? Sex in Marriage is Pure and Holy.

Part 11: What does the Bible say about how often a married couple should have sex?

Part 12: What is a Christian Allowed to Do in Sex? What is Permissible?

Part 13: What does the Bible teach about anal sex?

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