Parents, you are in a club that you both did not ask to join, and you hope that no one else would ever join with you. You are a parent who has lost a child. As a parent who also has lost a child, I hope you will receive encouragement. I was asked to write to you because July is the international Bereaved Parents Awareness Month, an annual month set aside, started by Peter and Deb Kulkkula, in honor of families trying to cope after the death of a child.
Losing your child is one of life’s greatest hurts. For those who have not walked this path, it may be hard for them to connect with the pain involved in the death of your child. Yet, for those of us who have been there, we can begin to understand each other better as well as the significance of the journey we are on together. Upwards of 70% of couples who lose a baby also eventually lose their relationship as well. Moms and dads grieve differently. Communication with each other struggles. The hurt runs so deeply in each of you; however, moms usually experience it with greater depth. Often even inside the same marriage it is difficult to handle.
As a counselor, I hope to connect with you and provide you encouragement today.
Our Journeys Are Similar, Yet Different
As I talk with other parents who have lost children, I am amazed how similar the journey is. Yet, our stories differ. Just over twenty years ago, we lost our little Kayla at one month old. She was beautiful. Every second we had with her on this earth meant so much to us. Some of you though never had the opportunity to hold a warm body, squeeze delicately, and express your love. Your child was lost somewhere prior to birth. For others, you may have been fortunate to have your child much longer. Regardless, it was not long enough.
No one ever told us we would outlive our children. The hurt comes in waves as birthdays, anniversaries, and life moves along. Oh to sing together, read together, to hold your child, to caress his or her head, to say, “I love you” again, to look into your child’s eyes just one more time. To squeeze a hand. To see a smile. To smell his or her skin. So many things that many of us who parent take for granted.
We would love to go sit outside and wait for a teenager to get off work. What a joy to do some homework together. How special to watch a movie. Build a fort. Teach a little one to use a hammer. Comb his or her hair. Rub a back. Put on a band-aide. Shop together. Fish. Snuggle. Tickle each other. Comfort after a bad dream. Listen after a disappointing date. Help with an upset stomach. And a million more things.
Way before the birth of our children, dreams are birthed. We imagine what it will be like to live a long life with this little sweetheart. Boy or girl does not matter – just sharing life with a little child is enough. Sharing affection together. Loving each other. Praying together. Watching all the firsts. Even becoming grandparents to our children’s children. Again, and a million more things. All of this before our child ever takes his or her first breath outside the womb.
As a bereaved parent, you are not alone. I sit and wipe away tears as I write because I feel your pain. Your pain simply demonstrates you are human. You are not broken. Your experience shapes you but does not define you. You are a parent who goes through seasons of loss. Yes, loss of the child, but also loss of a dream, loss of experiences together, loss of new memories, and loss of new joys with your child.
Yes, there’s laughter. Yes, there are good days. Yes, life goes on. But don’t confuse living and going on with life as if there is no pain, no hurt, or no loss. And that is okay. This is life.
God cares, God loves, God helps
The other thing we all share is that God cares for us, God loves us, and God helps us. We are not alone with just simply each other even. God is with us. He hears our cries. He sees our tears. He knows our hurt. God keeps our babies until we can see them again if we have a relationship with Him.
As the psalmist David works through some raw moments, he proclaims,
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You. (Psalm 139:17-18)
King David knew and understood God’s presence and ultimately His care for Him. No matter the depth of the hurt or struggle, God is with you, for you, and helps you.
God understands losing a child. He willingly lost His Son after putting the weight of the world’s sins upon His shoulders in order to provide salvation for us and for our children. The loss of His Son demonstrates the depth of love for each one of us. He provided a way forward for us through His Son, Jesus. In our hurt, confusion, and lack of answers, the Bible teaches that God offers us and our children compassion.
Jesus Loved the Little Children
Jesus loved the little children. Jesus cared for them, warned against hurting them, and often referred to them and their faith. In one instance, the disciples were upset because all the people were bringing their children to him.
13 Then little children were brought to Him that He might put His hands on them and pray, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matt 19:13-14)
Jesus always had a special eye and place for the children. Even now as our littlest ones die, He bids them to come unto Him. In His grace, Jesus provides a place for them now in heaven with Him as well. This is not just incredible grace for our children, but also grace for us as well. We go on in this life knowing that some future day we will get to have a reunion in heaven. This is sweet grace.
The ultimate joy of heaven is Jesus. For those of us who have lost children, there is an extra special piece of joy waiting for us in heaven as well.
You Are Not Alone
Dear bereaved parent, today, you are not alone. People may not know what to say or how to say it, there may be awkwardness around some, and words may escape those around you. However, there are many who walk along with you. Many of us who understand each other and the loss. More importantly, Jesus never leaves you. God listens and cares. The Holy Spirit provides you the grace you need for today. And as much as it hurts today without your child, peace can overwhelm your soul knowing that Jesus takes care of your little one until the future day when we are all reunited again.
KevinCarson.com | Walking together through life as friends in Christ sharing wisdom along the journey