Ask Pastor Kevin
Recently a reader asked, “What does it mean for a foster/adopted child to honor his or her biological father and mother?” If you have ever fostered, dealt with foster parents, or adopted, you are aware of the difficulty of this question. How do you honor someone who may be very dishonorable?
What does the Bible teach?
Both in the Old Testament and New Testament, the principle of honoring our parents is established and maintained as appropriate for all people everywhere. As the fifth commandment, the Bible says, “‘Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Deut 5:16; cf. Ex 20:12).
Paul maintains the necessity of honoring our parents in Ephesians 6. He writes:
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” 4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
Here, Paul almost repeats the Old Testament command word-for-word. He does not tie it to the land promise made to Israel; instead, he leaves it unqualified.
There is a general call to honor all people.
Furthermore, the Apostle Peter gives the command that all people are to honor all people, which in this case would include the undeserving biological parents. He writes, “Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king” (1 Pet 2:17, emphasis added). The Apostle Paul adds, “Render therefore to all their due: taxes to whom taxes are due, customs to whom customs, fear to whom fear, honor to whom honor. Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law.” (Rom 13:7-8, emphasis added).
Therefore, as the Bible speaks to honoring one’s parents, the Bible is unequivocal. There is no clause that would suggest to honor them in every case except those parents who must have their children be placed in foster care or up for adoption. We must honor our parents even when they are not worthy of it in our estimation – or, you could say, even when they are dishonorable.
How does this functionally look?
How is obedience to God possible even in these incredibly tough circumstances of seeking to honor even dishonorable parents?
God gives you the grace to obey.
Anytime God gives us a command to do something, He also gives us the grace to obey that command in ways that honor and please Him. This is always true. This began in the Garden of Eden. God commanded Adam and Eve to have children and subdue the earth. This is known as the Creation Mandate. The Bible introduces this instruction with the words, “Then God blessed them, and God said to them,…” (Gen 1:28). His blessing of being able to obey occurred even before His commands that needed obedience.
For those in foster care or who have been adopted, God provides them with the strength to obey as well. The good news for foster parents and adoptive parents is the same. God enables you to also help your children (regardless of age) to obey God’s command. You may need to review key passages such as, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil 4:13).
God gives you the power to obey.
The Holy Spirit empowers the saved foster child, adopted child, and foster/adoptive parents. Paul explains that he wants us to know what God gives us. He writes:
19 and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power 20 which He worked in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places,21 far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in that which is to come. 22 And He put all things under His feet, and gave Him to be head over all things to the church, 23 which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all. (Eph 1:19-23)
Paul continues later in Ephesians:
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Eph 3:20-21)
Therefore the good news, according to the Bible, is that you can lead your foster child or adopted child to honor his or her biological parents. In the process of teaching, you can also honor your foster child’s or adopted child’s biological parents as well.
How is obedience to God possible even in these incredibly tough circumstances of seeking to honor one’s parents, even the dishonorable parents?
God provides us the wisdom to obey.
Furthermore, God provides us the wisdom to work through these commands in ways that honor Him and honor the biological parents. We must pray and ask God to provide us wisdom (James 1:2-5). The way this looks in each particular circumstance is a matter of wisdom.
Consider these practical steps
For the Foster or Adoptive Parents.
The responsibility of helping your child or children respect their biological parents begins with you. As foster or adoptive parents, your goal will be to honor them in every way that is possible. This means that you must be on guard for any kind of attitude toward the biological parents that dishonors the Lord. Further, you need to protect your home from gossip and sarcasm. Do not let yourself use negative words and the rolling of your eyes to refer to the birth parents. If you need to say something to each other (foster or adoptive parents) regarding the biological parents, then move to a private setting without your children or teenagers. Whenever and wherever you can, assume the best about the biological parents. Your children and teens will be greatly blessed by your example of godliness.
For the Foster or Adopted Child.
Each case of course is different; however, here are a few general activities that you can do to help your child honor his or her biological parents (even if he or she does not know his or her biological parents). All of these ways to honor the biological parents must be age-appropriate and honest. These five things can at least get you started.
- Prayer. You may be able to pray some of the following: pray for them in their struggles, ask God to keep them safe wherever they are and whatever they are doing, ask God to use people around them to bless them, ask God for them to be saved, and ask God to lead them to repentance and change. You of course can add many things to this list of prayer requests as well that fit your particular circumstance.
- Forgiveness. If the biological parents have asked for forgiveness, then it is necessary to help your child think through this carefully. If they have not asked but need to do so, then it is essential for you to lead your child toward the right attitude of forgiveness. As mentioned above, of course this must be age-appropriate. You can help your child understand the four promises of forgiveness and the biblical principles of forgiveness. Check out these links for further details: Click Here and Click Here. In addition, your child will need to learn that God controls vengeance and handles that part of the future so that the child can focus on his or her responsibilities of loving God and neighbor.
- Trusting God. If you are working with a foster child, help your child trust God with the future of the relationship. As the parent, you cannot make the goal adoption. The goal needs to be whatever will bring God glory. Your functional goal around your house needs to be to trust God.For the foster parent and adoptive parent, in an age-appropriate way, you will need to teach your child that God is aware of whatever took place with the biological parent and that your child can trust Him. The parent will need to help them understand the Gospel – from the fall of man to the future day of glory. He or she will need to see their biological parents as sinners and sufferers. Other key areas to teach include man’s responsibility for sin, God’s hatred of evil, God’s commitment to His mercy and love, and justice for the abused. Part of God’s plan includes the government’s role to help protect and provide justice in addition to God’s eternal justice. For the foster child and the adoptive child then, honoring the biological parents also includes trusting God with their future.
- Depending upon Christ. Sometimes the story between birth and foster care or adoption is filled with evil. Potentially your child has undergone abuse, neglect, many various forms of sin against, and a general lack of love. He or she hurts. Many of these things potentially are connected to the biological parent. Rather than focus the child’s attention on the parent, help the child cling to Christ, understand the love of Christ, and experience the presence of Christ. Christ offers them to come unto Him, He promises them mercy, and offers them the truest love. This can happen best when the foster parent or adoptive parent models Christ, essentially becoming the epitome of Christ in the flesh. As the child understands and experiences help and hope from Christ and the parent, he or she can begin to see the biological parents through the lens of the Gospel. The best you can do for your child is to cling to Christ alongside them and grow in love and mercy.
In Summary
As parents, our responsibility is to both teach our children to honor God in all circumstances and to live that out in front of them. This of course includes their attitude toward their biological parents always and their relationship with the biological parents as possible. Wisdom must rule these conversations and in your specific situational difficulty.
If you have other ideas or experience, leave a note in the comments. Our prayers are with you as you seek to lead and parent well for the glory of God and good of your children in this area.
KevinCarson.com | Wisdom for Life in Christ Together
