A Better Question than "Do You Want to Have Sex?"

Two of the more frequent questions that I receive through KevinCarson.com are, “What do I do when my spouse does not want to have sex?” and “What if I do not want to have sex?” People ask these two questions in their various forms (and often attached to specific scenarios) more than most others.

As I read the various scenarios sent in by readers who want to know the answer to these two questions, I understand why they ask.

Normalizing the Seemingly Abnormal

If you are the one asking one of these two questions, you possibly feel like the odd couple. Both in public lore and in the Bible, the assumption remains that most other couples enjoy sex very often. Usually when someone comes for counseling or submits a question, the underlying assumption is that other couples enjoy sex or have more intercourse than we do.

This is just an assumption.

Although the Bible encourages married couples to enjoy a vibrant sex life together, the Bible is silent regarding the frequency of sexual intercourse. Furthermore, entertainment, media, sex experts, and casual conversations do not present an accurate assessment of marital sex either. For sure the movie and pornography industries present a distorted picture of marital intimacy.

It is more normal than not normal for one spouse to desire or not desire sex as much as the other spouse. Additionally, the lack of desire for sex by one spouse or the other may last for a very long time.

What Do You Do Then?

For the sake of length, I will follow this blog up with specific answers for both questions, “What if my spouse does not want sex?” and “What if I do not want sex?” However, for both questions, you can begin here.

Ask Yourself, “What is my goal?“

In desiring or not desiring sexual intercourse, your personal goal or motivation is key. You begin by asking yourself, “What is my goal for intercourse?”

Usually I hear and read of frustration in both scenarios. If you want sex and your spouse does not, you are frustrated. If you do not want sex and your spouse does, you are frustrated. In either case, frustration (and sometimes extreme frustration) exists.

What is the source of said frustration? The frustration comes from a lack of getting what you want. In other words, your frustration level increases because you are not personally satisfied.

Is your goal to give or receive? Is your goal to satisfy your spouse or be satisfied?

The goal of the Christian spouse should be to satisfy your spouse (1 Cor 5:3). When your motivation is to give rather than to receive and you desire to provide satisfaction for your spouse rather than simply be satisfied, three things take place: God is honored, your spouse is served, and you are happier.

Why? Because sex expresses our agape/selfless/sacrificial love for our spouse. Sex communicates. Sex says that I am more interested in loving, giving, and serving you than I am in being loved, having my sexual desires met, and being served.

Make Your Spouse’s Satisfaction the Goal

If instead of making sex about your personal satisfaction, you make your spouse’s satisfaction your goal, then you will find yourself much happier and satisfied. Along the way, God will be honored as well.

This goes for both types of circumstances and questions referenced above.

If your goal is to satisfy your spouse and in either having sexual intercourse or not having sexual intercourse, then you can and will be legitimately satisfied yourself.

Why? Because in both cases your greater motivation and goal is to love the other person. If he or she is satisfied, then your goal is met. If your goal is met, then you will be satisfied.

Can You Be Satisfied and Still Have Your Own Preferences?

Can you be satisfied and still have your own preferences? Is it possible to satisfy your spouse without foregoing your own preferences?

Yes.

You can still prefer intercourse but go to sleep satisfied when you do not have sexual intercourse.

You can still prefer to not have sexual intercourse but choose to do so and go to sleep satisfied.

How? Both are preferences. You may prefer one thing, but you gladly and sacrificially choose your spouse’s satisfaction and pleasure over your own. You actually prefer the other person more than your own personal desire. In other words, you sacrifice your personal preference for a greater preference – to lovingly serve and please your spouse.

Can you go to bed satisfied even if you physically did or did not do what you preferred? Absolutely.

A Better Way Forward

When you make your spouse’s satisfaction the most important thing to you, you will find that loving your spouse like Christ brings much greater satisfaction to you. Your satisfaction/frustration level as you lay down to sleep becomes a great thermometer as to what you truly want in your heart. When frustrated because your personal physical desire to either have or not have sexual intercourse overcomes your personal motivation to please your spouse, then you know the real problem.

The real problem is not that your spouse has a different physical desire or preference, the real problem is your true motivation is self-love/personal satisfaction more than sacrificially loving your spouse and satisfying him or her.

Focus on the first and second great commandments where Jesus challenged you to love God supremely and your neighbor sincerely (Matt 22:38-40). If you desire to love and please Christ first and you desire to make sure your spouse receives your sacrificial love and service second, then you will discover that your physical pleasure is less of a focus. In fact, you can physically do or not do something you desire and, in the process, have even greater pleasure.

Therefore, the better question from you to your spouse than, “Do you want to have sex?” is “Are you satisfied?”

If he or she is, you should also enjoy great satisfaction too since you have put the desire of your spouse above your own and have chosen to lovingly serve rather than be served.

Watch for specific answers to both these questions in the near future.

“What do I do when my spouse does not want to have sex?” and “What if I do not want to have sex?”

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