What do I do when my spouse does not want to have sex?

Recently, I began answering both of the two more frequent questions that I receive through KevinCarson.com, “What do I do when my spouse does not want to have sex?” and “What if I do not want to have sex?” in the article, A Better Question than “Do You Want to Have Sex?” People ask these two questions in their various forms (and often attached to specific scenarios) more than most others.

Today, I answer specifically, “What do I do when my spouse does not want to have sex?”

A Review of A Better Question Than “Do You Want To Have Sex?“

In the recent article, we discussed the following key questions and principles (this is an edited-down version):

Ask Yourself, “What is my goal?”

In desiring or not desiring sexual intercourse, your personal goal or motivation is key. You begin by asking yourself, “What is my goal for intercourse?”

When you want to have sex and your spouse does not, frustration (and sometimes extreme frustration) exists.

What is the source of said frustration? The frustration comes from a lack of getting what you want. In other words, your frustration level increases because you are not personally satisfied.
Is your goal to give or receive? Is your goal to satisfy your spouse or be satisfied?

The goal of the Christian spouse should be to satisfy your spouse (1 Cor 5:3). When your motivation is to give rather than to receive and you desire to provide satisfaction for your spouse rather than simply be satisfied, three things take place: God is honored, your spouse is served, and you are happier.

Why? Because sex expresses our agape/selfless/sacrificial love for our spouse. Sex communicates. Sex says that I am more interested in loving, giving, and serving you than I am in being loved, having my sexual desires met, and being served.
Make Your Spouse’s Satisfaction the Goal

If instead of making sex about your personal satisfaction, you make your spouse’s satisfaction your goal, then you will find yourself much happier and satisfied. Along the way, God will be honored as well.

If your goal is to satisfy your spouse in either having sexual intercourse or not having sexual intercourse, then you can and will be legitimately satisfied yourself.

Why? Because in both cases your greater motivation and goal is to love the other person. If he or she is satisfied, then your goal is met. If your goal is met, then you will be satisfied.
A Better Way Forward

When you make your spouse’s satisfaction the most important thing to you, you will find that loving your spouse like Christ brings much greater satisfaction to you. Your satisfaction/frustration level as you lay down to sleep becomes a great thermometer as to what you truly want in your heart. When frustrated because your personal physical desire to either have or not have sexual intercourse overcomes your personal motivation to please your spouse, then you know the real problem.

The real problem is not that your spouse has a different physical desire or preference, the real problem is your true motivation is self-love/personal satisfaction more than sacrificially loving your spouse and satisfying him or her.

Focus on the first and second great commandments where Jesus challenged you to love God supremely and your neighbor sincerely (Matt 22:38-40). If you desire to love and please Christ first and you desire to make sure your spouse receives your sacrificial love and service second, then you will discover that your physical pleasure is less of a focus. In fact, you can physically do or not do something you desire and, in the process, have even greater pleasure.

Therefore, the better question from you to your spouse than, “Do you want to have sex?” is “Are you satisfied?”

“What do I do specifically then when my spouse does not want to have sex?”

This section deals specifically with the person who has a spouse who does not want to have sex

1. Check Your Heart to Test Your Motivation
  
  The desire for sexual intercourse and sexual intimacy with your spouse is a great desire. There is nothing inherently wrong with the desire to enjoy sex for your wife. That desire specifically is a good thing. Until it is not.
  
  To be clearer, the desire for sex with your spouse honors God. Until it is does not.
  
  What would make the desire for sex a negative thing? Further, what would make the desire for sex not honor God? The answer to both of these questions lie in your desire level. The desire for sex is good and God is honored when your greater motivation is to satisfy your spouse. To give and not receive.
  
  Will there be some disappointment? Yes. However, if your greater goal is to love and serve your spouse, then you can still be satisfied that you have done your part to love and serve.
  
  If your desire is personal satisfaction and hold that as more important than spousal satisfaction, then your motivation is sinful.
  
  In biblical/agape love, the goal is always to give even though there is great satisfaction in receiving as well.
2. Consider sex as a part of the overall relationship that is filled with a sacrificial love toward the spouse and a desire to please God as “one flesh.”
  
  If your goal is self-pleasure more than spousal pleasure, then you minimize the one-flesh nature of your relationship.
  
  As a one-flesh couple, the importance of intimacy/communion/fellowship together far outweighs the importance of sex. Your union in Christ as individual Christians and celebrated as an in-Christ couple passes the importance level of sexual satisfaction.
  
  Instead of sex being the most important matter for you, your intimacy as a couple should be.
  
  If you are enjoying intimacy at every level except in sex, then you lovingly communicate your concerns regarding sex.
  
  However, many times when the spouse chooses to forego sex and is not just simply satisfied tonight, the problem lies in “one flesh” intimacy. One or both of you are allowing something to be more important to you than your greater intimacy together.
  
  One or both of you have something else as a goal than sacrificial, biblical, agape love.
3. Use the Differences in Desire to Do Careful and Diligent Self-Counsel
  
  For whatever reason, your spouse chooses to not have sex. If it is one night, your overall motivation versus your personal disappointment should be your key area of focus. You can ask yourself, “Why is my disappointment level so great?” “Why am I not satisfied with a satisfied spouse?”
  
  If it is a usual pattern of you desiring sex and your spouse not desiring sex, you should begin to think through the following questions as an exercise in self-counsel.
  - Am I doing everything I can do to love and serve my spouse throughout my day?
    
    This question speaks to your general service throughout the rest of your day. Are you getting to the end of the day expecting your spouse to want to serve you when you have done practically nothing all day to serve your spouse? When this happens, you place additional burdens on your spouse to want to serve you when you have done a poor job of serving him or her throughout the day as well.
  - Where does God want me to grow and change in my own marital responsibilities?
    
    Generally, throughout my marriage, am I doing anything that does not honor God? Your spouse may be in sin to not have sex with you. In fact, you may need to confront your spouse over this issue in the future. But first, you must consider if there are any areas in your life that need to change. You begin with the log in your own eye before you address the potential log in your spouse’s eye (Matt 7:1-5).
  - Is there unconfessed sin or unresolved conflict? If so, what are my responsibilities to God and my spouse?
    
    The goal of this self-counsel question is to make your spouse’s positive response to your sexual desire easier. Potentially, your unconfessed sin or unresolved conflict creates unnecessary barriers for your spouse. He or she is a person just as you. Your unconfessed sin or unresolved conflict may be used by Satan in your spouse’s life to hinder his or her sensitivity toward pleasing God and you as well. Whatever your responsibilities, begin to work through those.
  - Are there specific lust-related sins in my life that are affecting my relationship with my wife (pornography, fantasies, inappropriate friendships, adultery)?
    
    If you have lust-related sin in your life, then there is no doubt it is affecting your relationship with your spouse. You expect your spouse to serve you when your real commitment is loving yourself and pleasing yourself. In fact, your real problem is with lust – not a spouse who can’t or won’t serve you. Even if your spouse refuses long-term to have sex with you, it does not give you liberty to sin against him or her. Your lust-related sins demonstrate your real issue is lust, not your spouse. You need to repent of these things, seek forgiveness from God and your spouse, then seek to live a God-honoring life related to lust.
  - Do I have opinions or ideas about sex that are not biblical?
    
    Potentially, your lack of satisfaction and/or your spouse’s refusal to have sex stems from your own opinions and ideas about sex that are not biblical. For one instance as an example, you may believe that your spouse should give you sex all the time simply at your request/demand instead of a conversation. This article is part of an entire series that can help you make sure your ideas about sex are biblical and not influenced more by your own opinion, culture, or past experiences.
  - Do I have circumstances from my past that I need to deal with biblically?
    
    Your sensitivity to the frequency of sex in your marriage may be influenced by circumstances from your past. in this case, you will certainly want to consider it yourself or talk with a trusted friend or biblical counselor.
  - Are there practical areas of living that you need to consider such as personal hygiene?
    
    You must consider issues of personal hygiene and health as well. Of course this is a sensitive topic; however, the issue of frequency of sex in your marriage may be associated with it. Humbly ask your spouse if there is an issue here. Furthermore, demonstrate diligence in this area to guarantee this is not an issue.
4. Lovingly Communicate with Your Spouse Regarding This Issue (Eph 4:15, 25-32).
  
  Consider both what the Bible teaches about our communication, your attitude, and your typical style of communication before you approach your spouse. In all humility, approach your spouse with a loving, gentle, concerned spirit. Seek to honor Christ and honor your spouse as you begin this conversation. Try not to be defensive or win the argument.
5. Realize Regardless of Your Frequency Level, There Is Never an Excuse to Sin (1 Cor 6:18).
  
  Regardless of whether or not you are pleased with how often you have sex, there is absolutely never an excuse for you to sin in any way. God provides you the grace the endure the suffering in this season (1 Cor 10:13). If you allow yourself to get angry and sin, you leave the door open for much bigger and greater problems, even with Satan (Eph 4:26-27).
6. Pray, Seek to Worship, and Ask God for Help.
  
  Ultimately this issue is a spiritual one because you both are one-flesh in Christ, are brother and sister-in-Christ, experience suffering differently, and sinners. Because of this, you need God’s help. This issue weighs heavy on the person who is not satisfied with the frequency of sex in marriage. The desire for satisfaction can rule you if you allow it. Therefore, this issue must be bathed in much prayer and as part of worship.