No Sex Tonight, AGAIN

Another night, another rejection.

You could be a woman longing for your husband to have sex with you.

You may be a husband longing for sex with your wife.

Regardless, let me suggest three things you need to remember and which are true.

Ask Yourself, “Is Your Spouse Satisfied?”

First, ask yourself, “Is your spouse satisfied?” Ultimately you are to get your pleasure through giving, not receiving. Therefore you must answer this question. If your spouse is satisfied, then you can rest better knowing you’ve not done anything less than what was best for your spouse. Your spouse’s satisfaction paves the way for your satisfaction as well.

Knowing you’ve done your part helps but often isn’t enough. Arguably, it should be. Once you know you’ve done your part, you should fill with satisfaction. The satisfaction of a pleased spouse should help settle your mind and heart. Again, often it is not enough though. As a wife, you may long for him to touch you, want you, and satisfy you. As a husband, you may battle a raging erection. For both, everything biologically may call for your own satisfaction.

Again, ask the question, “Is he/she satisfied?” If so, speak truth to yourself. Remind yourself that you have done what you should; therefore, God receives the glory in your willingness to satisfy (first Great Commandment/vertical pleasure) and your spouse receives the benefit of satisfaction (second Great Commandment/horizontal pleasure).

Call Out to God

Second, call out to God in this moment of suffering. Ask God to give you wisdom in your disappointment. In this step, strive to take your thoughts captive. It is easy to talk to yourself and make a case for why you deserve what you want, why you deserve better, how bad your spouse is, how unloving your spouse is, and how unfair you’re treated. It is easy to focus on your rights, your needs, your loss of pleasure, and your miserable situation.

For you though, your disappointment actually provides an opportunity. In your disappointment, go to God. Speak to Him what is true. Tell him your heart and troubles. Explain to Him what you’re thinking and what you want. In the process, listen to yourself. What do you really want? Are you driven by your love of spouse or love of self? Do you want to honor God in disappointment or simply get what you want? Have you considered this as an opportunity to grow in Christ?

Wrestle with God regarding the battle that wages inside your heart. The ultimate question now is, “Are you going to walk in the Spirit allowing the Word of Christ to dwell in you richly, or are you going to follow the desires of the flesh?” Is your motive pure, which is the foundation of wisdom? Or, is your motive driven by your desire for satisfaction now, your longing for sex, and your desire to be in charge of your own life? If so, this is wisdom from below.

Talk to God while you think through these things. He invites you into His presence to receive grace that is equal to your challenge. Here, His grace provides you the ability to not sin in the midst of deeply heartfelt disappointment.

Consider Your Responsibilities

In this situation, for what are you responsible?

You are responsible for your reaction. How you respond to not having sex is on you. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally, in every way you maintain responsibility for your inner man response (heart, mind, emotions) and your outer man response (what you say and do). The goal in both the inner man and outer man remains the same: honor God, live for His glory, respond to disappointment in a way that reflects Christ.
You are responsible for your perspective. Make sure you do not see success in your marriage, in your relationship, or in your love toward each other as simply equal to sexual satisfaction. Love for each other extends out far wider and greater than just merely sex. Sex maintains a small space in the overall love of a couple toward each other. However, when you do not get what you want, it can seem like a very large part of love.
You are responsible for your preparation. Your preparation refers in reality to your entire day. Have you served your spouse well? How have you sought to love them creatively? Have you spent time on meaningful conversation? In other words, outside of a desire for sexual intimacy, what have you done throughout the day to communicate love to your spouse? Further, have you noticed all the other ways your spouse has loved you throughout the day as well? Did you show gratitude for your spouse’s many ways of service throughout the day?
You are responsible for your hygiene. This seems like a simple thing to some maybe; however, this encourages difficulty for many couples. Are you clean? How do you smell? What about your breath? When is the last time you have showered? For many couples, this does not significantly hinder the spouse from a willingness to have sex, but it may not encourage it either. Therefore, just make sure you pay attention to your hygiene.
You are responsible for your passion. If your spouse continually refuses to have sex, see it for what it is. The bigger issue flows out of your spouse’s relationship to God. Does this feel personal? Of course, because it is personal. Yet, the bigger issue is in your spouse’s heart. For whatever reason, your spouse chooses love of self over love of neighbor. Whenever that happens, you know your spouse also fails to love God more than self as well. Your greater concern should be your heartache over your spouse’s struggle with God, not your lack of sex. In this regard, pray for your spouse’s relationship with God. Let your passion be about your spouse’s soul more than your desire for sex.

Editor’s Note: Why write about sex? Great question, I’m glad you asked. In Christian circles, there is a great void of anyone writing, talking, or helping people think through the issues of sex. The world has much to say. The Bible does as well. I regularly receive questions online about these issues. I occasionally add to this sex series in an effort to help Christians struggling in this area. I’m saddened by all the notes I receive and counseling sessions I have. The mere numbers represent a staggering need for someone to seek to help. So why write about sex? I recognize a real need among Christians to consider this issue – as people who need care and those who give care to others. Do you have questions, concerns, or comments for me? I would love to hear from you. Please Click Here