Editor’s Note: This article by Cathy James shares her story of grief over her son’s death eleven years years ago this month. I believe it can be a blessing to many.
This is the last picture I have of my son, Austin, before his death 11 years ago this month. He was three months away from graduating high school. I have to say that it still takes my breath away, it seems surreal. Can I say that I am over the pain, the heartache? No, I don’t believe any breathing mom who has lost a child could ever give that testimony. What I can say is that the Lord has taught me many things through my grieving process, and it is a process. I am not sharing this to invoke sympathy, but to hopefully give some precious truths I have learned. Disclaimer, these are my thoughts not everyone may agree with me, I get that. That being said, as I have talked with parents who like me “had to join the club that no one wants to belong to,” ….following is some of what has been on my heart…thank you for your patience with me as I share…
Grief is a process.
Grief is a process. Many times, people will ask me, what should I say or do for someone who has lost a child? Honestly, I have come to realize that there isn’t much you can say to someone who has lost a child that will provide comfort in the beginning. I have also learned that every loss is different. Different circumstances, different emotions, I can’t begin to presume what your loss is or how you are feeling, I can only share that gut-wrenching pain. Quoting Scripture to someone can be a comfort and certainly is, but even in that we need to be discerning which to use and when.
When I arrived back home after Austin’s funeral, I saw a table set with four place mats, I walked into a bedroom that still had all his earthly belongings there waiting for him. I had to come to grips with the fact that this was real and that I would never see him again on this earth. How could that be? I wasn’t done being his mom? What I wanted was for someone to tell me that the nightmare was over, and that Austin would be coming home. My advice would be to just listen, let them cry, hold their hand, hug and sit with them for hours if you can. Being alone is hard, too much time to think.
In the days following my son’s death, I had dear friends who selflessly came to do that for me, one friend flew in from a long distance. These dear saints took me on walks/outings to force me to get out, many times I know they felt like they were dragging me along as it was hard for me to breath let alone stand or walk. In those early days, I didn’t want to talk much; I was in shock and my brain was having such a hard time processing what had happened. In many ways, time stopped, it did a reset…. time/patience/long-suffering with someone who is grieving is such a “gift”.
Other’s might need to talk through their feelings, with time I did…again, grieving is a process, and everyone goes through it differently. It may take months or even a year or two to get your thinking back without falling in a heap. For me, the second year after his death seemed to be hard.
In the next few months/year and even to this day, I have gotten precious notes/calls and hugs from people who have reached out to me with just a gentle reminder that they remember what happened and are thinking of me …such sweet gifts those are, please do that for someone and of course continue to pray for them.
Death is the end of life on this earth, but it is not the end of our existence.
Death is the end of life on this earth, but it isn’t the end of our existence. It’s been said that there are two things you can’t escape in life, death and taxes. As I mentioned before, the realization of the finality of Austin’s death and that he wouldn’t be coming home shook me to the core. I lost my only brother at a young age, and my dad just prior to Austin’s death, so the death of someone dear to me was something I had come to grips with. Hebrews 9:27 says, “Just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment.” We all will face death, some of us sooner than later, but it will happen.
It was my brother’s death that the Lord used to open my eyes to the reality of what death truly meant and to draw me to Himself. As the verse says, after death comes judgement, the question is how will the Lord judge you when you have to stand before Him and you will. Will you be like one who believes that the good you’ve done while on earth will outweigh the bad and therefore God is obligated to let you into Heaven? Unfortunately, you are mistaken. Titus 3:5 says, “He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit.”
Unlike popular belief, not everyone ends up in Heaven, nor do you just lay in your coffin in the ground. The Bible is very clear, there is a Heaven but there is also the reality of Hell, a place of everlasting torment. The Bible also says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23. The question you need to ask is, where will I end up after my death, where will I spend eternity? You need to come to grips with that question. It’s only those who admit that they have no power over their sin, repent of those sins and place their full trust in the saving work of Jesus’ death on the cross on their behalf that have any hope to spend eternity in Heaven with Him. It’s not your baptism, nor the church you belong to that is able to save you.
It’s only those who have placed their only hope of salvation in the atoning work of Jesus Christ that God will welcome into His presence. You may say, “that’s your opinion, I have my own beliefs” My admonition to you is, be truthful. In your heart, deep down you know there is a God and He will have the final say. The question before you is which will you choose? Now is the time, tomorrow may be too late..
Helpful Devotional
The devotional entitled, “HOPE” by Nancy Guthrie was probably the greatest treasure I clung to during those early months of grief. Her book gave me small day by day steps to walk through and process. I appreciated this resource greatly because she challenged me to not stay where I was but gently helped me to move through the process of grieving, in a Christ-honoring way.
Finally, I have come to realize that the Lord is sovereign in all things even in the death of my son, as hard as it is to get my mind around. A dear friend wisely tells me, “God is always up to something good.” I now know in a deeper way that I can trust and serve a loving/caring Lord because after all, He willingly gave up HIS one and only Son that I might have eternal life with Him, what a precious gift, so undeserving. If you have any questions or would like to talk about anything I have shared, I would be humbled to hear from you.
.Image credit: Submitted Pictures
About the Author:
Cathy James lives in Colorado and is a high school business teacher.
Cathy is grateful for the gift of what the Lord has allowed in her life, molding her more and more into the image of her Savior.
Cathy’s original post appeared on Facebook here.
KevinCarson.com | Wisdom for Life in Christ Together
Hi Cathy,
Martha Peace here. What an amazing article and honor to our God. Thank you for sharing the precious hope that we have. You have been and will be a blessing to everyone who reads this.