Editor’s Note: In today’s blog, The Process of Christian Grieving by Dr. Howard Eyrich, he shares some observations about the process of grieving as he considered them with a recent counselee. He explains the grieving process as he perceives it from the Apostle Paul’s standpoint. I hope this will encourage you today as you help others or deal with your own grief.
What Does Christian Grieving Look Like?
Some words rolled out of my mouth yesterday in a counseling session. They struck a note, an “ah ha,” with the counselee. Afterwards the words kept rolling around in my thoughts. I asked myself, “Just how did this definition of grief come together for me in that session; what is the biblical basis for it?”
This morning it dawned on me that in essence it is the view of grief that Paul espoused to the Thessalonians. He summed it up as “We do not grieve as those who have no hope” while we get on with living. If you read the epistle, with their grief in mind, here is what he is saying as the Christian dynamics of grief.
Here is how I defined it for the counselee:
“Grieving is acknowledging the loss, embracing the pain, accepting the reality, and engaging with the future.”
Acknowledging: That is, my puppy, my friend, my cousin, my Dad, my house, my car is gone. I cannot revive, regain, or rebuild (whatever the loss). It, he, she is dead, separated from me in time and space. Acknowledging means you or I stop denying the reality.
Embracing the pain: I miss __________, I am lonely. I am lost. I hurt to the center of my bones. I cry at the drop of a hat. I might cry out an occasional angry, “Why God ___________?” Any, and all of these, are normal. They are natural human experiences, but they will diminish over the months as you or I adjust. On occasion, depending upon the depth and duration of the relationship, you will likely have moments of pain and associated emotional experiences even years later. This is normal and reminds us the value of that relationship. For example, my mother died in 1976 at the age of 76. Sometime within the past year, I was reminiscing over a boyhood experience. Rather suddenly, I miss my Mom and a few tears trickled down my cheeks.
Accepting the reality: This is the process of evaluating your life demands. It is determining where you fit, what must be done, who you are without this object, pet, or person in your life. This is where the Christian experience is (should be) different. Identity is ultimately in being in a continuing, supporting, growing relationship with the Savior, your Lord, and the Holy Spirit, your perpetual companion/comforter.
Engaging the future: This is not asking the question, while wringing your hands, “What will I do?” It is embracing friends. It is returning to Sunday School and Church. It is returning to private worship. It is getting another pet. It is not only doing the legal “clean-up” (this necessity is part of accepting reality). This is beginning and following through on dispensing with clothing, rearranging future, being productive in the work world, etc. With the loss of a family member, this is a progressive process that should be accomplished within a year. Embracing friends and reengaging with the Christian community should begin within weeks of the loss. Selling property, moving from a home to another city or state is not a decision that should be made until that year of engaging has been progressively completed.
For the Christian, this is the processing of grieving. Sometimes, even Christians choose not to experience the benefit of this godly process. For example, the mother who closes the door to her deceased son’s bedroom and refuses to use it and keeps everything the way it was when he occupied it. It may be a Dad who puts his son’s Mustang or Camaro up on blocks in the garage.
These parents never experience the benefit of the healing qualities of the grace of God. They perpetuate the pain of the loss. They cannot enjoy the good memories but prefer to live with the regrets. They mourn the experiences they did not have like walking the daughter down the aisle or orchestrating her wedding, or seeing the son graduate from college or produce grandchildren.
Experiencing the Great Shepherd’s comfort throughout the process
When we do not process through grief with our eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith (Heb 12:2), we grieve like the unbeliever, without hope. The hope of which Paul speaks is ultimately the hope of the expectation of eternal life (Lk 10:20). However, that is the ultimate while the proximate is consciously living under the Lordship of Jesus, the Great Shepherd of the sheep and therefore finding the comfort and peace so well expressed by David in the twenty-third Psalm.
Dr. Howard is married to Pam, has two adult children, and eight grandchildren. He currently teaches, is an elder, and serves as a board member of the International Association of Biblical Counselors and a fellow in the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. He has served multiple congregations as a church planter, senior pastor, and elder. In addition, he has authored multiple books and articles. Over the years, he served working on the staff of the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation as Counselor and Director of Curriculum Development, the first Executive Director of then the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors (now ACBC), and has led multiple training programs in seminaries and churches. He currently serves as Director of the Doctor of Ministry Program in Biblical Counseling at Birmingham Theological Seminary.
In addition, God has allowed me to be his friend.
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