Editor’s Note: This is part two in a two-part blog. The first blog, “3 Essential Commitments BEFORE Asking for Advice,” explores what a Christ-follower must absolutely be committed to before asking for advice. In today’s blog, “3 Essential Steps WHEN Asking for Advice” lays out three critical steps in the process of asking for advice.
As I reflected yesterday, most pastors and biblical counselors regularly receive requests for advice from church members and counselees. In churches though, as encouraged in the Bible, these types of intentional conversations should be taking place all over. In fact, many times people do seek help from each other in life groups, scheduled ministry opportunities, and as part of biblical fellowship. As individuals go to each other and seek advice, often this is done in less-than-helpful ways. For this two-part series, my concern is in the one who asks advice more than that one giving it.
Yesterday, we reflected on 3 Essential Commitments BEFORE Asking for Advice. We said that each of these three commitments must rule your heart before you begin asking for advice from another person. As followers of Jesus Christ:
- God’s opinion matters most, which we get from the Bible.
- I want to live holy for the glory of God.
- I want to live wisely for the glory of God.
Today, we explore 3 Essential Steps WHEN asking for advice.
Three Essential Steps WHEN Asking for Advice
As you go to others for advice, which in Christ is super important, consider the following three steps when asking for advice.
Ask with the right motive
As you go, make sure you seek the other person’s advice with the right motive. As discussed yesterday, followers of Christ need God’s wisdom on various issues in life. As such, we turn to each other to seek help, ask advice, and otherwise seek to discern God’s will in a particular area. Therefore, we ought to seek out advice with the following motives:
- For the glory of God. As with everything in life, our seeking out advice should reflect a genuine heart that wants to give God the glory more than anything else in life (1 Cor 10:31; 2 Cor 5:9). Each person’s purpose of life should ultimately reflect what they perceive God desires in the Scriptures; that is, to bring Him glory by becoming more like Jesus Christ through our daily circumstances (cf., James 1:2-5; Rom 8:28-29).
- For help with wisdom. When we go to talk to another person, we seek out God’s wisdom. Understanding that wisdom can come from below or above (James 3:13-18) provides humility and motivation to try to get it right. Therefore, we engage in an honest conversation with a trusted, godly, wise friend in order to do what is best or excellent, rather than simply follow our desires or end up doing something that is unwise.
- For additional insight. Sometimes we know a decision will bring glory to God and may be wise, but in the process, we do not possess enough insight in how to do something or when to do it. Therefore, we go to others to allow them to help us explore ideas, concepts, and scenarios. The help they provide grants us additional insight.
- For help not confirmation. When we ask another person for advice, we must double-check our motive to make sure that we honestly seek help rather than just simply desiring confirmation, or checking off a box to tell others we talked with someone. From talking with others and a couple of decades of my own experience, it seems as if simple confirmation or box-checking motivates some who come for advice.
Therefore, when you seek out advice, make sure you do so with a pure, God-oriented, and God-honoring motive.
Ask Before the Decision is Made
As referenced briefly above, counselors, pastors, and missionaries (as well as a few parents along the way) report that they believe some who come for advice have already made their decision before seeking the advice. Possibly you have been there too. To be honest, when this happens, this is both disappointing and unfortunate.
Seeking advice from another wise and godly person honors God. To go to another person with an impure motive or as a way to simply look like you want advice when in reality you do not hurts you and the person to whom you talk. My concern for those who willingly talk to others is that they do not become jaded or leery of those who come for help. When a person gets burned a few times, the unpleasant experiences can influence the way he or she sees others and lessen his or her trust in the entire enterprise.
Asking another person for advice does not simply fill in a box. Over the years I have had people come to me and say, “This is my decision but my wife wanted me to talk with someone.” Or a past college student, “My parents asked me to come to you but I already know what I am going to do.” I remember one person telling me some time back, “I know people will ask me if I asked anyone for advice so I wanted to talk to you before I told other people.”
Instead, the best time to ask for advice is when your ideas are fresh and still pliable in your thinking. Begin the conversations early. If the decisions you consider are life-changing for you and possibly others, then take the time to talk. At times, we operate out of fear that someone will suggest we should not do what we want to do so we do not ask until the decision is already practically made in our minds. As those who are motivated by what honors God, this is too late. We should ask others sooner and have them walk with us through the process.
Ask Wise People in the Lord
As you consider getting advice, look around to determine who those people are in your life that are wise in the Lord. Ask yourself who lives life with God’s purposes in mind. Listen to those around you who seemingly live a Christ-centered, God-fearing life. Pay attention to those around you who walk in the Spirit, encourage others in the Lord, and practice biblical fellowship.
When you find these people in your church, life group, adult Bible fellowship, or as elders, go humbly to them and ask them for advice.
As an additional note, pick people that you think may even disagree with you or push back against you. You will appreciate their questions and even potential skepticism. They will help you think better, harder, and longer. In fact, you assume that may provide you some pushback but in the end may be one of your biggest supporters.
As you go, here are five key areas you will want to explore with them:
- Ask them to help you think through if the decision you contemplate seemingly loves God supremely and your neighbors sincerely. Your decision must do both these things in order to honor God.
- Ask them what you should be thinking about that you possibly are not. You can even ask, “What is wise in your eyes?” “What would you be thinking if this were you?” “As you listen, what questions would you be asking that I possibly am not asking?” “What issues have I not thought of sufficiently?” “Is the timing right?”
- Invite them to help you explore your motives. Let them ask uncomfortable questions to you without you being offended. In fact, do not just let them, but encourage them to help you uncover what you view as your motives in the decision-making process.
- Consider all three of your commitments you made BEFORE asking for advice. Make sure you explore with them if the decision fits all three commitments of God’s opinion mattering most, and if the decision is both holy and wise for the glory of God.
- Ask the friend to pray with you in the conversation and then over time as you make your decision to determine what is next.
Three Essential Steps WHEN Asking for Advice
Each of these three steps need to be part of the process when asking for advice from another person. These are essential as a follower of Jesus Christ.
- Ask with the right motive
- Ask before the decision is made
- Ask wise people in the Lord
As you do these things WHEN you ask anyone else for advice, you will reap the benefits of a clear conscience, better wisdom, and stronger decisions.
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KevinCarson.com | Wisdom for Life in Christ Together
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