Ask Pastor Kevin
Recently, a reader asked, “What biblical advice or wisdom can you give me regarding how much should a pastor or elder share with his wife?”
For those that are pastors or biblical counselors, this question often comes up as a matter of good stewardship, marital accountability, and an issue of carefully applied wisdom. I am grateful for the former student who asked and think it is worth considering.
To begin, I am also very grateful for a wife who carefully guards her own heart and mind related to information she receives from ladies in the church, and information I have as a pastor. I am thankful she trusts me, trusts my discernment on when I should share something, and hates gossip. As a pastor, if I had a wife who wanted to “know” all the time and was not settled in trusting me with what should be shared, my role as a pastor and counselor would grow immensely hard. However, she loves me and others more than a desire to “know” information or simply be informed.
As a simple reminder, let me say up front that this issue is not spelled out in the Bible. Every pastor must wrestle with this issue to get to a place where he and his wife are settled on what best honors God in their particular situation. Therefore, you may disagree or want to nuance what I suggest, that of course is fine. Feel free to leave a comment below if you believe that is helpful.
Below you will find some general principles and pointers as well as a link or two for more information.
General Biblical Principles
What we do with what we are told matters.
1. We must carefully guard what we say to others, including our wives.
23 Whoever guards his mouth and tongue
Keeps his soul from troubles. (Proverbs 21:23)
2. We must tenaciously seek to protect those around us out of love.
9 He who covers a transgression seeks love,
But he who repeats a matter separates friends. (Proverbs 17:9)
3. We must follow the Four Rules of Communication even in our own homes as we talk with our wives.
29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (Eph 4:25-32)
1) Be honest, 2) Keep Current, 3) Attack the Problem, not the Person, 4) Act, Don’t React
Make sure what you say edifies your wife, imparts grace, and does not grieve the Spirit of God. Instead, protect the unity of the Spirit between you, your spouse, and the other church member (cf., Eph 2:14-18; 4:1-6).
Specific Practical Principles
After over twenty-five years of full-time pastoral ministry, I still seek to learn and grow in the application of wisdom. The following practical principles reflect some of my thoughts and practices. I submit them humbly and in no specific order.
1. Share your calendar and counsel with accountability.
I share my calendar with my wife. She can see all of my appointments. She knows that when I counsel, I do so with accountability. Sharing my calendar with her is another level of accountability. She does not ask me regarding the purpose of or subject of the appointments. If she sees a pattern or believes she needs to share something with me, then she may ask a question or provide some context. She will approach it with discretion and I will answer her with discretion as well. However, 99% of the time she does not ask. As a practical matter, sharing my calendar lets her know generally what I am up to for her own planning purposes and allows her to pray in a generic sense.
2. Be willing to respond when asked.
If your wife comes to you to ask about a specific person or problem, you need to be willing to respond with wisdom and discretion. Never be defensive. If she were to approach you, do not begin by asking her, “Why do you want to know?” Instead, ask good questions that allow her to explain her concerns and observations.
3. Share your heart without the details.
If you are particularly burdened about something or as you answer one of your wife’s questions, share your heart response without the details. Dave Harvey uses the following when describing this aspect of communication:
“Temptations can be reduced by wise words. Zack Eswine recommends the practice of “general venting.” It starts with a leader telling his wife there’s something on his mind: “If I seem stressed, it’s not you!” Then, offer a general category for the situation: “I have a critic on my mind, and it hurts,” or “There’s a couple who’s struggling, and I’m concerned.” Finally, give an invitation to intimacy: “The details won’t be helpful, but would you mind if we prayed together?” This approach allows confidentiality to be upheld without the wife feeling excluded.”
4. Treat her like every other person in the body of Christ – what would you share with any other person?
Your wife is a sister-in-Christ. As part of the body of Christ, you should treat her as such. If you would not share with another member of the body of Christ, then there must be a compelling reason for you to share it with your wife as well. Will she know more than most people? Of course. She will because she will overhear conversations you have on the phone, as people visit your house and talk with you, or as a result of sharing meals with church members. She will know when you have to get dressed and leave the house in order to minister to someone. However, she does not deserve to know more than any other member of the body of Christ just simply because she is your wife.
5. With permission, get advice when you need it.
There may be times you believe she does need to know something or she should give you advice. In those instances, ask the person or kindly inform the person that you are going to talk with your wife. Let your wife know that you have done so. “I asked Kim if I could get some advice from you related to her question for me…” or “I mentioned to Kim that I thought your opinion would provide some additional wisdom in this area.” As you do this, allow your wife to accept this responsibility or not. She may not want to know any details for a reason of which you are unaware. Further, only provide enough information to allow her to provide good counsel to you, not simply gossip. As the conversation continues, be careful to not let curiosity rule the discussion; instead, share purposefully.
6. Goal is for her to be able to see people in the church and treat them as normal – the people should trust you or learn to trust you.
At the end of the day, you want to protect your wife and her relationships in the church. She needs to be able to walk around the corporate meetings, engage in life groups, and generally serve those in the congregation as a sister-in-Christ, not as the pastor’s wife. She should be able to look at those in the body of Christ with neutrality. When someone sins against you, criticizes you, or generally makes your ministry harder, she should not have to bear that burden and load. Instead, she should be able to smile at your harshest critic with a pure heart because she does not know what you know. It surprises us sometimes how often people mention stuff to Kelly, and she has no idea about what they are talking. As this happens, they also learn to trust me that I do not overshare.
7. She is not the pastor. Her primary role is loving the pastor and helping parent their children.
Her role is not bearing the burden of pastoring people. Instead, she helps bear the burden of the pastor. As a wife who is sensitive to her husband, she needs to help encourage him, love him creatively, and seek to provide blessings to him – just as every other wife does to her husband in the church. Further, she helps parent their children. As with any couple who are busy, she may have to juggle many things in order to serve her husband and the children well. Her husband and children are her primary ministry.
8. Know the expectation of your church’s structure (policy for elders, etc).
If you are on a pastoral team, know what the expectations are related to sharing with spouses. Possibly, there is a specific statement or policy that speaks to what you can share or not share. You will need to know what that policy is as you do ministry in that context.
9. If someone has sinned, you may need to share it but not with details. Why would you burden her with that information?
Church and member care can be messy. You will need to work with people through sin, sometimes even to the point of church discipline. In this care, you will want to protect your wife as much as you possibly can. Again, you want to protect her heart, her emotions, and her walk with the Lord.
Other Helpful Articles:
Brian invites his wife to help him answer this question. After she shares her perspective, Brian offers three pieces of very practical advice:
- Gain permission from the beginning on confidential matters to speak with other pastors, your wife, or another mature Christian woman if dealing with sensitive female matters where another woman’s help and perspective would be beneficial.
- Include your wife when it would help her, the situation, and her ability to care for you as your helpmate. Make sure permission has been granted by the one who shared the confidential information.
- Remember, she is not your fellow pastor. Be mindful to protect, not dump!
Image Credit Becca Tapert
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