Five Important Questions for Teenagers

As I get to spend time this week with our teenagers at our youth camp, I am reminded of five important questions for teenagers both at camp and any time of the year. As you know, in this time of their lives, teens decide the direction of their lives in just a matter of a few years. As parents, grandparents, family members, youth counselors, and fellow church members, we all care deeply how they manage these decisions and understand in ways much greater than they the significance of the decisions they make. As those who care, there are five important questions we can ask them to help keep their feet pointed the right direction.

How does Jesus fit in your life?

Asking how Jesus fits in the life of the teenager is probably one of the more important questions you will ever ask. As you ask this, you want to listen with two ideas in mind. First, is the teenager a follower of Jesus Christ? Has this person repented of his or her sins and called upon God for forgiveness? We long to see him or her choose to follow Jesus for life as Savior. Second, how does following Jesus fit in the teenager’s life? Does the teenager respect Jesus, long to follow Jesus, live by Jesus’ character, and submit to Jesus’ teachings in the Bible?

What is your purpose in life?

Teenagers must wrestle with the question of life’s purpose. What is his or her purpose? For some, college entrance reigns supreme. Becoming a better athlete to get the scholarship, be the best, or fulfill his or her own personal goals. Potentially to get better at a trait, make a living, start a business, and the list goes on and on.

The Bible makes it clear that honoring God by becoming more like Jesus Christ should be our chief aim or purpose. Paul writes, “…I make it my aim to live well-pleasing to the Lord” (2 Cor 5:9). He also writes, “Whether therefore you eat or drink or whatsoever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor 10:31). In many places, as followers of Jesus Christ we are called to “walk worthy” of our calling (i.e., Eph 4:1). In Romans, Paul explains the plan of God for each individual follower this way: “For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren” (Rom 8:29).

The perfect answer here – to become more and more like Jesus.

What do you want, long for, or desire?

This question of desire is another way to see what functionally operates as the reigning lord of his or her life. Whatever a person wants most functions as the ruling sovereign in a person’s life. For instance, if I desperately want rest, then the slow driver in front of me becomes a problem if his driving interrupts me getting to my house, hotel room, or rest stop. If I want coffee as my ruling desire, then the person who is taking so much time to order in the line becomes my enemy, or a slow coffee pot, or a lack of coffee pods, or whatever. Once a desire grips my heart, I can only look at people and things in one of two ways: either as for me or against me.

As with each of us, the teenager’s heart desperately wants something always. None of us live with a heart in neutral. In a perfect world, our teenagers would desire to follow Jesus most (as discussed under question two about purpose of life), yet many times other things rule the heart.

We often help people identify if a desire possesses sinful control of the heart with these four questions:

• Do I want this so much that I am willing to sin to get it?
• Do I want this so much that I am willing to sin if I do not get it?
• Do I want this so much that I am willing to sin if I am afraid I am going to lose it?
• Do I want this so much that I turn to it as a refuge?

Who are the leading voices of influence in your life?

People and things influence us. David Powlison once referred to this as living in a sea of influence. This influence comes at us from many sides. In a perfect world again, we would hope the Bible, Christian friends, the work of the Holy Spirit, and theological truth held the greatest influence in the life of a teenager. However, as you also know, life is far from perfect. Therefore, we want to help them discern who are the leading voices of influence.

Many people, institutions, and elements of culture can be the primary voices of influence. Positive ones hopefully include: pastor, youth pastor, counselor, godly parents and grandparents, godly family members, Christian friends, fellow church members, good theological literature, and, of course, the Bible.

However, negative influences come at them from all over culture, even within their own hearts or flesh. Culture, friend groups, education, online media, music, and biological hormones can influence greatly. These voices of influence can lead the teenager down the wrong road very quickly. The result is sin, often hurting others and self.

What is the next step spiritually?

When we talk with a teenager, we want them to consider the next step spiritually. Of course, just as me, you want them to grow 100% right now. Maybe in your mind you would say it this way, “Dear teenager, please become all-wise, all-discerning, and fully committed to Jesus Christ RIGHT NOW!” If not to yourself, maybe your prayer is complete sanctification yesterday! For sure – sanctified teenagers would help unsanctified parents and grandparents.

However, change does not have to be an all or nothing. In fact, if you need to walk ten miles, the best way to get there is one step at a time. Whatever is next for your teen begins with the NEXT right step. Wherever he or she is, what is the next right step toward where God wants them? How can they take the next right step toward Christlikeness?

We want to help them both ask and answer that question.

As you ask these questions…

• Do not forget to ask your questions with humility. Teenagers struggle because they are people. You and I are as well. They come by struggling honestly. Their parents, grandparents, and everyone around them struggle as well to one degree or another. So, as you talk with the teen, begin with your own humility. Remember, you sin too!
• Surprise the teen by listening carefully. Ask questions, then listen. Listen well. Listen long. Do not interrupt the teen as he or she tries to explain what is on his or her heart, mind, or what motivates.
• You will both see and hear many things that need to change; therefore, choose your battles wisely. Possibly the teen needs to change in 8, 14, or 22 key ways. If that is true, you should not be shocked. Of course. Foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child. Therefore, we need to pick key areas to work on first. As I mentioned above, consider the next best step.
• As you listen, limit your responses. You do not need to speak to everything and anything. The teen can be wrong. You do not need to demonstrate that you are right necessarily. Growing is a process and you want to give the teen the flexibility of growth.
• Remember, you do not have to win. The teen will say and do some things that absolutely drive you crazy. You may wonder how he or she can be so foolish, how can this teen be so wrong, or how the teenager does not get it. Yes. Again, yes. Of course you will think those things. As you do, remember that you do not have to win, be right, or make the teen see everything just like you. You are looking for next steps. Sometimes there are many of those, so settle for what is simply next not where you are.

May God bless you as you talk and work with the teens around you.