As of today, this picture was thirty years ago. Two young kids both just graduated from college moving into adulthood. Married after four years of dating. Idealistic. Big dreams. More questions than answers. Totally clean slate. Waiting with my dad at the end of the isle to receive my bride.
Now, thirty years later much has changed. In God’s wisdom, He both keeps the future hid from us as well as makes us grow in wisdom and discernment. No doubt His goal is to help us trust Him and obey Him better (Eccl 12:13); however, I wish I was wiser sooner. I wish I would have learned some lessons quicker along the way as well. No doubt my wife wishes I would have!
When you get a few years on you and live life a bit, it is easy to wish you had your present wisdom back then. My early marriage wisdom pales compared to today’s wisdom. On our twenty-fifth anniversary, I shared some wisdom and advice with those who were engaged, newly married, or who were still young and married; in other words, those early in the process. Today, I revisit that advice from our twenty-fifth anniversary and consider it again five years later. This is some of what I wish I would have known then.
As you begin marriage…
Take advantage of the early years to especially enjoy them.
When you are young, it is easy to not take advantage of all the blessings that you have. In fact, your blessings may not even feel like blessings. I enjoyed so many things, but wish I would have done more and done better. Consider some ways to take advantage of the early years.
- Be flexible. As life continues, often you cannot be that flexible. Therefore, while you are young and have the opportunity be flexible.
- Be creative. Nothing is too silly. Try and fail and try again. Laugh while you try things together. Do not let pride keep you from trying something different.
- Be spontaneous. Just wake up and do something fun. Determine to go to breakfast at 1:00 AM. Take a quick trip. Go walk in the park. The dishes can wait. The floors can as well. The oil change. All important, but not the most important. In thirty years you will not remember those things; however, many of the spontaneous things you will.
- Be romantic. Husband, take full advantage of your wife’s energy, love, and innocence. Life is long, and there are too many hard lessons ahead. Woo her early and often. Be the most romantic person she has ever met or even heard of. Make sure she knows that she is the most important person in your world. And wives, do the same. If he does not respond quick or well, keep doing it. Don’t give up on him. Sometimes we men are slow to catch on. But practice romance often.
- Be a friend. Friendship is the goal of all these things. Build a strong friendship early that better gets you through all the hard portions of life later. The best thing you can be is each other’s friend. If not, life gets lonely. Start young enjoying each other’s friendship and keep developing a stronger friendship each day. As live goes on, many things change and become more limited – like health, mobility, energy, etc. – but your friendship can always get stronger and stronger.
Be clear on your purpose together.
God allows you to make a covenant together with Him and each other. As covenant-faithful followers of Christ, your goal is to reflect the image of Christ better together than alone (Gen 2). Together you portray the relationship of Christ and the church to those around you (Eph 5:32). As a married couple desiring to honor Christ together and do God’s will, your goal includes children some day (Gen 1:28). Keep these things in mind and you will find that marriage is not as hard as some make it out to be. Your goal in one sentence: Embrace each other as covenant keepers in the image of Christ striving to live out the relationship of Christ and the church together for the glory of God and good of others – including your own little image bearers. God is the most important person in your marriage!
Begin by serving together.
Many couples begin marriage focused inwardly. Flip that. Begin your marriage by focusing on serving together in various ways – especially in your local church. Find a ministry that you can do together and enjoy. Look for other people that you can serve together. Do not let your life get too focused on just you. You will find that it is fun to serve people together with your best friend. Selfishness can never be satisfied; however, living your life to serve others is very satisfying.
Live for giving not receiving.
This is such a valuable lesson. Look for areas where you are pride-filled and selfish. Identify those early. Repent of those and work together on loving each other better through giving. Please do not keep tabs on how much you do versus the other person. Just serve each other and immerse yourself in the joy of service. You will be happier when you love contra-conditionally. Do not make the other person earn your love. Just live to give. Love to give. See the other person’s satisfaction as your total joy. As you satisfy your spouse, your joy then increases. Selfishness says, “But I want him or her to do this for me.” “I want…. I want… I want…” Friends, be wise early and live to give instead of receive – which is true love.
Choose contentment and gratitude.
Friends, this is a biggie. I cannot emphasize choosing contentment and gratitude enough. You can begin by making an ongoing list of things about God and your spouse for which you are grateful. Keep adding to it regularly. There are going to be times in the future that you will need that list to help give you perspective. You can even make a journal where you write down things for which you are especially grateful. If you find discontentment and anger in your heart, immediately repent of it and change your spirit. Instead, develop a life-long, marriage-long habit of gratitude. Say, “Thank you!” often. Find something regularly that you can compliment – then do it! Even if you have been grateful for something 100 times, you can add another. Look around your home, life, and marriage, there are hundreds of things for which you can be grateful. Then say so. Your spouse should believe based upon your attitude, words, and actions that you are the most content and grateful spouse humanly possible. And, you can be if you work toward it with the help of the Spirit.
From the Archive: 9 Reasons Why to Celebrate Wedding Anniversaries
Choose contentment and simplicity.
As a young married couple, it is easy to want what you cannot afford. It is easy to look around and see all the things you wish you could have versus all the things – especially each other – that you already have. Choose to live debt free as much as possible. House debt, some small car debt, college loans – many of those things are unavoidable. However, most debt can be avoided. In ten years without debt, you will be so glad you walked away from a purchase. One less meal out. One less clothing item. One less many things. In your future, you will be so happy that you chose one less early in marriage. Embrace the fact that you have each other and have fun with it. You do not need all the extras. Life without debt is worth it. Just a very practical piece of advice here, save about 10% annually. Do it young and you will be very happy as you get older.
Learn the difference between principle and preference.
Some issues force you to hold fast. Wherever the Bible teaches a principle, hold onto it as those who are seeking to honor and serve Christ most of all. But most issues are just issues of preference. Learn the difference and, more importantly, learn to give up your preferences for the sake of the other person. Be willing to change. Do not be stubborn. Bend. Be pliable. “Whatever you wish” is more than just a good line; it is a way to live. Strive to please your spouse and do the things he or she desires. Why? Because you can. Because it honors your spouse. Because the other person’s happiness makes you happy. Because it is a joy to be selfless instead of selfish. Because that is what love does.
Recognize the most important person is your spouse.
Enjoy your spouse first and foremost. Put away the phones. Turn off electronics. Turn off the games. Minimize all forms of social media. Do not live for those on the outside of your marriage; keep your focus on your spouse. Yes, take pictures and take them often. Hundreds. No, scratch that, thousands of pictures – and video! Document your life together by images and video. As well, share many love notes. Tell your spouse all the things for which you are grateful, what you love about them, and how they make you feel special. Explain how that other person is God’s gift to you. Then, keep those pictures and notes private. You can occasionally share with others, but privacy is good. Do not let a particular image or “look” on social media become a goal. Your goal is to love and enjoy the one in your own home. Absolutely do not live for the people outside the four walls of your house on social media of any kind; live for the one walking with you. Your family, friends, and neighbors do not need to read your love notes online, but your spouse could sure enjoy them in life, on paper, on the mirror, under the windshield wiper, and anywhere else you can creatively drop them.
Be committed to your principles of godly living together.
There are several key principles that will never fail you or your marriage together. Be committed to those things.
- Be covenant faithful. God is your example of what it means to be covenant faithful. It is one of His key attributes in the Old Testament. You can observe it over and over. He is praised over and over for His covenant faithfulness (Ps 136). As a follower of Christ, you be covenant faithful as well. Be committed to your covenant.
- Live with grace. As you have received grace from God, please give grace to your spouse. Over and over and over give grace. Just as Jesus Christ gives grace to you, continue to give it to each other. Your spouse can never live up to your “laws.” He or she cannot earn your love. Instead freely and instantly and continually give grace.
- Practice the one-anothers. The Bible has almost 50 places where believers in Christ are told to practice particular commands toward each other, like love one another, serve one another, and encourage one another. As a brother and sister-in-Christ, who is also married to each other, please do not neglect these commands. God provides you the opportunities every day to practice these things together and both grow to be like Christ together.
- Progressive sanctification is the goal. As you live together as sinners, God provides you each other to help each other grow to become more like Jesus Christ. You live with a sinner. You are a sinner. Understand that and live in light of that. Do not let the other person’s sin exasperate you or surprise you. Why? You live with a sinner. You are a sinner. Now go as two sinners together seeking to live and love more and more each day like Jesus.
- Learn to recognize your lust. Find those things other than loving Christ and loving your spouse to which you are committed. If you are living for something different than honoring Christ, identify and crucify it. Your lust will literally kill you (James 1:14-15). Along the way, it will create all kinds of trouble (James 4:1-10).
- Look past your spouse to Christ. If your eyes are on your spouse instead of Christ, you will live disappointed. Marriage will be harder. Life will be harder. Keep your eyes on Christ even as you look toward your spouse. See past your spouse to see Christ. Make your motivation, yes, to honor and please your spouse, but more importantly as well, to honor and please Christ.
- Make a short path to forgiveness. Consider places where you sin. Confess those sins to God and your spouse. Commit to God and your spouse to doing better. Then do what is necessary to change. Offer forgiveness. Seek forgiveness.
- Learn from an older couple. Find an older, godly couple and learn from them. You will be served very well if you will learn from others. Have fun together. Observe them. Ask good questions. Learn from them. Be accountable to them where necessary.
On this 30th Anniversary…
I rejoice that my wife has done so many of these things. I recognize where and how often I fail. The problem is…sometimes I do not recognize where and how often soon enough! Thankfully, she has persevered through 30 years with me. She married a sinner. Her patience has been great. My preferences have been strong. God’s grace and her grace has been stronger.
My gratitude list is longer than it used to be but is not as long as it should be. For that reason, I add another one today.
She is still here and striving, now 30 years later.
KevinCarson.com | Walking together through life as friends in Christ sharing wisdom along the journey