How often should we have sex? This is a question that I hear frequently by both married and premarried couples. Many times couples come into marriage with unrealistic expectations related to the frequency of sex for any number of reasons. Movies, sitcoms, and pornography portray an impractical and unreal portrait of marriage sex. However, as Christ-followers, the Bible does provide a clear and helpful answer to how frequent the married couple should have sex.

In this miniseries on sex, we have explored together issues related to the purpose of sex, the motivation for sex, the benefits of sex, the connection between communication and sex, and various other topics. We continue over the next few days exploring specifically what the Bible teaches related to sex in general. Today we focus on “Sex in marriage should be regular and continuous.”[1]

Sex in Marriage Should Be Regular and Continuous.

Although other texts from the Bible help us answer the question of frequency of sex, the most specific text is 1 Corinthians 7:5. The Apostle Paul writes,

“Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor 7:5).

The issue in the Bible is to not deprive the other spouse.

Paul uses the word deprive when considering the issue of frequency. Paul makes the focus of frequency about the spouse, not about personal desire. In counseling, often couples speak of personal desire as the primary reason for either having or not having sex, statements such as these: “I just was not in the mood,” “I did not want to have sex,” or “I’m just not into it right now.” The focus of each of these statements is the spouse’s own personal desire. However, the Bible moves our attention away from our own personal desire toward that of honoring God and satisfying our spouse (1 Cor 7:3-4; Prov 5:18-19).

Here the concept relates to withholding sex, especially through deceit or dishonesty. Paul forbids either spouse to withhold sex from each other for either selfish or dishonest reasons. This of course would include as sinful any sense of bargaining or rewarding of sex as a means of manipulation of the spouse. “Since you did this, then…” or “If you will do this, then you can expect…”

This does not include a playful gesture with a smile and a wink where possibly a wife says to her husband as he clears the dinner table something similar to: “If you will do the dishes, I’m going back to the bedroom to get ready for you. Dishwater hands turns me on.” Instead, the issue relates to a spouse where the husband or wife only has sex when he or she “wants” it and when the other person “deserves” it.

The Bible teaches deprivation is sinful. Does that mean then you should have sex all the time? Is there ever a biblical reason to say no to sex?

Five Biblical Guidelines for Refraining

There are times however when refraining is preferred temporarily. This biblical text provides us with clear guidelines.

  1. Mutual consent. According to this verse, both the husband and the wife should agree to not have sex. “Do not deprive one another except with consent…” The decision as to whether or not to have sex is not unilateral. Both the husband and wife should agree together.
  2. A specific period of time, predetermined and prearranged. The verse continues, “…except with consent for a time,” Neither the husband or the wife should believe that restraining is indefinite. Common examples could include a couple agreeing on not having sex while the wife is on her menstrual period, while visiting a relative’s house for a couple of days, or while sick. The preferred way to treat this time would be to provide the next time to expect to have sex again. “As soon as I stop bleeding,…” “When we get home from this trip, then…” “As soon as I feel better, let’s…”
  3. A specific goal. In the text the specific goal mentioned is a time of fasting and prayer. I do not believe that is the only time; however, it certainly is one time a couple may choose to refrain from having sex. As I mentioned earlier, there are many times it may be wise for a couple to refrain for a specific period of time. Wisdom should be used together as a couple in relationship to sickness, surgery, pregnancy, travel, emergencies, busy days, and other such times. The key here is that the couple agrees together that this is a time we need to refrain.
  4. Caution related to sexual temptation. Caution should be exercised before abstaining so as to not give Satan an area to tempt either spouse. The text continues: “…and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” There are two issues to note here. First, as you consider abstaining, you need to take into account the temptation level of each other. The couple who does not consider the issue of temptation is in a very weak, dangerous position. The context of this whole passage is to glorify God with our bodies, especially in regard to sexual immorality. The goal is to limit temptation as much as is humanly possible. I have discussed the issue of desire for sex in these other blogs: here and here. Second, there is never an excuse to sin just because of a lack of sex for a time. Purity must be maintained regardless of the frequency of sex. You do not want to let Satan get a foothold in your life in this area.
  5. Refraining should be terminated with sexual intimacy. As soon as possible, refraining should be terminated with regular sex again. When a decision is made between a husband and a wife to refrain for a period of time, I urge you to determine then when you will have sex again. A wife could say, “I have a headache tonight and would prefer to not have sex. But is it okay with you to wait until in the morning? I would love to have sex with you before we both head off to work.” A husband may say, “My back is killing me tonight. The work I did today just worked me over. How about we wait until tomorrow night when it should feel better?” In both instances, the husband and wife requested by mutual consent not having sex, and, in both instances, also offered the spouse a time in the future for which to anticipate.

How often should a husband and wife have sex?

How often then should a husband and wife have sex? Let me suggest two specific answers to this question. As a couple, you will need to discuss these to know the best frequency for your own marriage.

  1. You should have sex often enough to keep each other satisfied – generosity is important! The Bible makes the focus for each spouse satisfaction of the other (Prov 5:18-19; 1 Cor 7:3-4). The goal is to lovingly give to the spouse. Therefore, the question of frequency depends upon the answer of satisfaction. In seasons of life, this question may be answered differently. As another reminder, do not forget that the focus is on the spouse’s satisfaction, not your own personal satisfaction. Ask yourself this question, “Is my spouse satisfied?”
  2. You should have sex often enough to help each other avoid sexual temptation. The Bible again highlights this issue in this text. Sex should be frequent enough that you put your spouse in a strong position spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically related to temptation. Sex as a whole-bodied experience should be considered in light of all areas of temptation. You want your spouse satisfied and strong, not discontent and weak. You do not want to provide any open doors for Satan and temptation.

In summary:

I have appreciated the following quote by Dr. Bob Smith related to frequency of sex.

“The question is not when shall we have sex, or shall we have sex, or when are you going to want sex, but when shall we not have sex.”

For the Christian couple, the issue relates to love’s generosity, the spouse’s satisfaction, sexual temptation, and mutual agreement. The decision in marriage to have sex should not be unilateral by one spouse to the other. Instead, a couple should agree together on the frequency of sex in their specific marriage context.[2]

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In preparation for the next blog on sex, you can consider this question, “What does the Bible say about what you can do or can’t do sexually in marriage?” Talk with you then.

Part 1: What You Need to Know about Sex and Why

Part 2: What is the Ultimate Purpose of Sex?

Part 3: What is the motivation for good sex?

Part 4: What are the benefits of good sex?

Part 5: What is the connection between sex and communication?

Part 6: How can you understand the struggle of a man’s desire for sex in marriage?

Part 7: How should a husband deal with his desire for sex?

Part 8: Wife, are you cheating your husband?

Part 9: Husband, are you cheating your wife?

Part 10: What Does the Bible Teach about Sex? Sex in Marriage is Pure and Holy.

[1] Some of the material for today’s blog comes from Biblical Principles of Sex by Robert Smith. He and I are working on a revised and expanded version of this book through P&R (forthcoming).

[2] When a spouse is committing marital infidelity, the other spouse should speak to a biblical counselor to determine how to answer this question. It may be wise for a specific amount of time to refrain from sex with a fornicating spouse, even without mutual consent. The consent will be determined alongside the spiritual authority in the person’s life helping do the counseling in this tumultuous time.

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