If you wish your marriage were better in one way or another, join the crowd. Many people just like you would report that they wish something or many things were different about their marriage. After over twenty years of counseling, I have listened to many couples sadly reflect on what went wrong, what needs to change, and what they perceive as their future.
If you are one of the many people who wish something could be different about your marriage, then this is for you. In this blog, we will focus on your goal(s) for marriage improvement and what you perceive to be the way forward.
Quickly take one second to determine some of the key items you wish could be different in your marriage (for most of us, this will not take long to grab the list that is frequently in our minds or on our lips). … Now that you have reminded yourself of a partial list, you are ready to think through your list a bit.
First, you have to determine your focus. As you consider what needs to change in your marriage (the items on the list), will you be spouse-centered, me-centered, or Christ-centered?
- Spouse-centered. A spouse-centered focus for marriage improvement considers all the primary ways the spouse needs to change in order to make the marriage better. This list may be quite extensive. In answering the question above, your quick list may include several bulleted items that primarily focus on what change is necessary in your spouse – what they need to do, not do, ways to better communicate, etc.
- Me-centered. A me-centered focus for marriage improvement considers all the primary ways your marriage could be better for you. This list focuses primarily on your happiness, your desires, your perceived needs, and your priorities. Items here may include getting to do what you want to do, spending money for your priorities, getting what you want, and a desire to be served better.
- Christ-centered. A Christ-centered focus for marriage improvement considers all the primary ways Christ may be honored in your life as you seek to do your part to make your marriage better. You are aware of places it would be nice to see your spouse change, but your focus is on how Christ could change you to make your marriage better. Your primary desire for change is to become a better Christlike person taking responsibility for your personal desires and choices.
In all reality, your quick list for marriage improvement may include items from all three foci. No doubt some of the items on your list related to your spouse may be real and significant. Nevertheless, for the sake of meaningful and lasting change, as a follower of Christ, let me suggest your focus for change needs to shift to a Christ-centered focus. You must begin to work on those areas that you can actually change and for which you are responsible. Yes, as is true in most marriages, there are many issues in your marriage for which you may be concerned; however, your attention must remain on those areas over which you are responsible.
Second, you need to think about marriage improvement as Christ-honoring self-improvement. When I mention self-improvement, I am not talking about remaking yourself using the latest self-help material on the market. Instead, this relates to answering the following two questions: 1) If my Lord Jesus Christ were to make a list of items for me to work on for my part of our marriage and as a person, what would Christ point out to me that needs to change? 2) If those were Christ’s priorities, how can I begin to work on those things?
You may need to ask a trusted friend, wise relative, or pastor to help you answer question one and then help you determine the best strategies to answer question two. Many times this is where we get stuck determining what change should look like and how to make such change happen. Plus, those same individuals can provide you the needed encouragement and accountability as you begin to seek to change.
Here you need to exercise caution. It is easy to believe and sometimes even say, “But if I am focusing on what needs to change in me, then when and how will my spouse focus on what needs to change in him or her?” I hear you. Selfishness can become a bit overwhelming here. Because we are so aware of our desires to see our spouse change to make our own lives happier, any one of us may want to scream about right now. You may be thinking, “But Pastor Kevin, you don’t understand my spouse!” I get that. What I do understand is that you are not responsible to be Christlike for your spouse; instead, you can only be responsible for yourself.
Third, you commit to Christlike living in the midst of a less-than-perfect marriage. This relates to the issue of how you can begin to work on those things that Christ would prioritize for you regarding personal change. What does Christlike living look like? Inside your marriage, you must think through three questions as you consider Christlike living: 1) What motivates me? 2) How can I love and serve like Christ? and 3) How do I respond when I do not get what I want? In the next blog we will tackle the three questions determining how best to commit to Christlike living in the midst of a less-than-perfect marriage.
Join the Conversation:
For today, this is a good start. You will need to take some time to consider at least the first two issues.
- Go ahead and contemplate your list of what needs to be changed in your marriage to make your marriage better. Consider what your focus is: spouse-, me-, or Christ-centered.
- In addition, make the list of the items of which Christ would have you change to be a better Christ-honoring person. You may need to go ahead and reach out to a friend today to get help with this step. We’ll pick up the look of being committed to Christlike living in the next blog.
Check out the first blog in this series: This One Commitment Will Keep Your Marriage Together
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