Yesterday, June 15th, I had the privilege of spending time with one of my mentors, Dr. Bob Smith. I asked him for advice to give fathers this Father’s Day. The following blog is primarily the transcript from that conversation. At 88, Dr. Bob enjoys a sweet relationship with all his children and grandchildren. He continues to teach every other week at his assisted living center. On off weekends, he attends Faith in Lafayette.
What advice do you have for fathers this Father’s Day?
First, let me put it in context. I watch little children climb up on their daddy’s lap and hug and kiss him. I watch all the affection. You know my kids did that too, but I don’t remember it well. I wish I could. That observation is to preface what I would like to say to fathers. Recently I have been listening to several books about historical figures. Several, including Winston Churchill, wanted to have their dad’s approval. They kept trying to do things which the books describe to get dad’s approval. As I listened to these stories, and as I watch these children, I keep thinking, I want fathers to spend time with their children loving their children and recognizing that the children desire dad’s love, affection, and approval.
I’ve made it a point with my kids to let them know how much I love them, how much I thank God for them, how much I appreciate them, and how much I am proud of them. I want them to know they do not lack that from their dad. Fathers, let me encourage you to recognize that when your little children are real little and want to spend time with dad, spend time with them. I wish I would have spent more time with my children when they were little so I would have more of those memories. I have some memories of the little kids which are so nice, but I do not have enough because I did not spend enough time with them.Fathers, let me encourage you to recognize that when your little children are real little and want to spend time with dad, spend time with them. Click To Tweet
Children want dad’s affection and love. They get it from mom pretty naturally. Often mom is the one there all the time serving the child, when she is not having to be outside the home. For dads though, it is important to spend definite time with the children showing love and doing things the children like to do.
The importance of one-on-one time
I think you can see this played out in my relationship with one of my boys. When he was a sophomore in high school, he was going to a Christian school. He was getting terrible deportment records and his grades were suffering. However, he could get good grades without studying, so it was not a problem with not understanding what he was being taught. In a conversation with the principal, I gave him permission to do whatever was necessary at school to help with the deportment. I wanted my son to do better.
As my wife, Leona, and I were talking about it, she suggested I needed to spend more time with him. I asked her what I could do. She explained to me that he and his brother enjoyed building rockets together. I told her, “I don’t know how to build rockets.” She told me, “Well have him teach you.” So for his last two years of high school, we spent an hour per week or every other week where we built rockets. I began to built rockets and he taught me how. I began to spend time together with him, and I would make sure we got to spent that time together. We never discussed any problems. For two years I enjoyed that time with my son.
He was a great teacher. We built rockets. We flew rockets. We lost rockets because they had engines that would power them up so high that we would lose them because of the wind and the trees. We lost more than one rocket until we figured out how to underpower them. I remember this time and it was a great time with my son. In fact, I kept one of the rockets around for years on my bookshelf as a reminder of all the time we spent together.
And guess what? He was a different child. He is the one who now calls me every week and ministers to his dad. It is interesting how that young man now serves me. Even this morning we talked on the phone and I went over my thoughts for my message here a week from Sunday. He gave me his input on it. As I develop it, he will continue to call, will listen to me give it over the phone, will time it, and help me as I edit it. That son I used to spend time with now spends time with his dad helping him. When we get done, he prays for me which is so delightful. I just really enjoy it.
As you spend time with your children
I have encouraged many fathers to spend time with their children doing things that they like to do – and do not use that time to deal with issues. If the child brings up an issue, it is okay to talk about it; however, the dad should not bring up issues of concern. Use that time to communicate one thing: I love you, you are my child, and you are worth my time.
In the process of spending time together, do what your child wants to do. I remember talking with one father and I asked him what his son likes to do. He said, “He’s got that old jalopy in the garage he likes to work on.” I told him, “You know what? Your son just got him an assistant.”
The key is: Father, spend time with your children and spend time doing what they want to do. If your little girl wants you to sit down and drink tea with her, with her little imaginary tea set, then sit down and do it. If she says, “Have some tea daddy.” Then hold your cup or your pretend cup out there and let her know, “That’s great tea sweety. You make goooood tea.”The key is: Father, spend time with your children and spend time doing what they want to do. Click To Tweet
If you don’t know how to do what they like to do, then as Leona said, ask him or her to teach you how.
In the process, you are going to demonstrate and occasionally teach biblical principals. It is not a time to preach. It is a time to build relationships. Discuss what they want to discuss, but primarily communicate love in the process.
About the Author:
Dr. Robert Smith is a retired physician; father of four children with several grandchildren and great grandchildren; ACBC Fellow; member of the ACBC Academy; author; conference speaker; co-founder of Faith Biblical Counseling Ministries; former instructor and counselor at Faith Biblical Counseling Ministries. He is the author of The Christian Counselor’s Medical Desk Reference; Authority Issues; Fibromyalgia; Biblical Principles of Sex; Deacon Training Workbook and Leader’s Guide; Life After Divorce Workbook and Leader Guide as well as other works.
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Great advice, wisdom, and insight. As a hopeful dad someday and a current pastor of youth and families, I’m grateful for this post and Brother Smith’s counsel.
Being a dad isn’t rocket science, thank goodness! I appreciate the simplicity of Dr. Bob’s words. It’s a great reminder to love and enjoy your kids as they grow up. Training comes more naturally as you work and play alongside them.