Sex. Just the mention of the word fills individuals with emotion. The culture idolizes sex. In many ways, sex has become exalted as the epitome of human experience. Increasingly over time, recreational sex dominates the world around us. For many outside the church, sex is part of daily living as long as there is consensual agreement.
The church has failed both families and individuals in the way she has handled the issue. In most churches, a clearly articulated biblical view of sex has never been taught. Further, where sex has been discussed, it has been from a negative perspective.
Sex is one of the Big 3.
Marriage counseling often deals with problems in one of three major areas: children, money, and sex. In the Christian world, thousands of words have been dedicated to children and money, not as many deal specifically and winsomely with sex. Do your own informal survey among your friends and you will find that issues related to physical intimacy are commonplace, especially lack of contentment among husbands and wives.
Where is the Christian to turn? If marriages suffer over problems related to sex, should the Christian couple turn to the world or culture for their answers?
Culture teaches.
No doubt culture influences every Christian single and married person in the church. The reality is simple – it is impossible to completely shield yourself from it. Through education, media, and culture in general, the world influences what many people think of sex. As I do premarital counseling for many couples, I find this is an area where there are many questions and often much confusion.
Many couples come into counseling with premarital experiences, deeply held opinions, misplaced confidence in their future sexual experience, and plenty of questions. As the conversation develops, the conversation does not focus on the Bible; rather, the conversation unfolds around what has been read, discussed, and seen on media, in school, or among friends. Often the driving goal of sex is personal satisfaction. Furthermore, the conversation reveals that most of what most couples know is misguided, misinformed, misunderstood, and motivated by the wrong desires.
The Church has not helped.
There are basically two primary ways the church has dealt with the issue of sex. As Robert Smith explains it:
Others have gone to the opposite extreme by attempting to ignore sex. It is almost as though they concluded that since it is so misused, it can’t be good. Many, in past generations, thought the physical desire for sex was bad. They grew up in an environment that downgraded or outwardly ignored sex. Some have concluded that the absence of certain words in Scripture means God is silent on the subject. Along with bad hermeneutics, they fall back on human reason and opinion in order to produce their own guidelines for sex. … Some speak as if sex is not something good from God. They don’t teach about sex in the home and refuse to allow it to be taught in the church.
He further describes the problem:
Some believers, attempting to rescue the word, regrettably have been influenced by views that are as out of balance as the world’s. For instance, some attempt to make it the greatest of human marital experiences. … Thus a successful sexual life is erroneously made the key to a good marriage.
In their ignorance of biblical teachings, people use terms that equate love and sex. “Make love” and “lovemaking” are a couple of such terms. They thereby distort the meaning of love, especially when they are used to describe sex outside of marriage. These terms also communicate that love is mainly seen in sex and that sex is the most important part of love and marriage.
Parents often neglect this issue.
As I do premarital counseling, I am surprised how many couples come without ever having a real conversation with their parents about sex. Often described in past generations as the “birds and the bees” talk, my experience is that most parents essentially ignore the issue.
In non-Christian homes, the issue is generally treated with encouragement by the parents to have safe sex. In Christian homes, often it is described generally by abstinence. But neither home actually sit down and have a well-developed, educational conversation with their children. For the most part, couples report that mom may have given the daughter some last-minute advice about meeting a husband’s needs and a dad somewhat awkwardly tells a son a couple of throw-away lines equal to a locker room.
The Problem in Marriage
As couples get married and begin to face life’s challenges together, sex does not match up to their expectations. Thus a lack of contentment begins to grow and a low-level frustration. Furthermore, past sexual history of both spouses creates difficult conversations, awkward situations, potential distrust, and many unanswered questions. In addition to these issues are long-standing habits of masturbation, pornography use, and fantasies.
Often many of the struggles and weaknesses of a typical marriage are magnified in marital intimacy. Again, in the counseling room over the years, I have noticed that sexual problems in marriage are never alone. Instead, they are often linked to ever other issue in marriage. Since sex essentially is another avenue of communication, the other issues in marriage have a direct impact on the couple’s sex life.
There is hope and help.
Over the next several days, this blog miniseries will address key issues for you to understand, apply, and teach to others.
- What is the purpose of sex?
- What is the motivation for good sex?
- What are the benefits of good sex?
- What is the connection between sex and communication?
- How can you understand the struggle of a man’s desire for sex in marriage?
- How should a husband deal with his desire for sex?
- Wife, are you cheating your husband?
- Husband, are you cheating your wife?
- What does the Bible say about sex? Sex in Marriage is Pure and Holy.
- What does the Bible say about how often a married couple should have sex?
- What is a Christian Allowed to Do in Sex? What is Permissible?
- What does the Bible teach about anal sex?
- What does the Bible teach about oral sex?
- What does the Bible teach about masturbation?
- What does the Bible teach about sexual aids (including BDSM), pornography, and X-rated videos?
- A Better Question than “Do You Want to Have Sex?”
- What do I do when my spouse does not want to have sex?
- A Few Practical Pointers on Sexual Intimacy by Tim Challies
- No Sex Tonight, AGAIN
Married couples – husband and wife – I encourage you to share this with your partner and read this series together. It can be almost a short-term conversation starter and devotion for you. Singles, I strongly recommend you read along as well to get a thoroughly biblical view of sex.
So, in preparation for tomorrow’s blog, ask yourself this question, “What is the purpose for sex?” Talk with you then.
KevinCarson.com | Walking together through life as friends in Christ sharing wisdom along the journey