Often one of the pieces of advice a mother will give her daughter before marriage is, “Make sure you give your new husband sex because he needs it.” This is common language used among both men and women that a man needs sex. Typically this advice is well-meaning and recognizes the fact men have what, at times may seem, an insatiable desire for sex. In that previous blog, four pressures were discussed that produce the husband’s incredible desire for sex. Furthermore I wrote, “For sure his desire is not a need. He can function and honor Christ and love you without being satisfied sexually. Just because we would not call it a need, however, does not make it any less of a strong desire.”
In light of this, the question must be asked then, How should a husband deal with his desire for sex? Additionally, If it is ultimately not a need and is only a strong desire, how can we understand desires? Further, What about a husband’s self-control?
Understanding Desires and Pressure-Filled Circumstances
God sends pressure-filled circumstances in life to help us become more like Christ (Rom 8:28-29; James 1:2-12). A pressure-filled circumstance would include any kind of pressure which exerts influence on our hearts. As was discussed earlier, the four main pressures for sex include biological pressure, visual stimulation, physical delight, and the oneness of intimate worship. These pressures influence the heart and impact our desires.
Paul Tripp helps us understand how desires are predictable in the human heart.
Desire – “I want ….”
Demand – “I must ….”
Need – “I will ….”
Expectation – “You should ….”
Disappointment – “You didn’t ….”
Punishment – “Because you didn’t, I will ….”
He describes how what begins as a simple desire in the heart can morph quickly into a demand and then a need. Since I want something, I must have it. And if I must have it, it becomes a need. Once I need it, you should help me get it.
In this sense, many husbands would say they need sex. It is a strong desire that turns into a demand and therefore a need. The sex is actually not needed to live, not needed to honor the Lord, not needed to fully function, nor is it needed for satisfaction in marriage. But it is an incredible desire.
How do pressure-filled circumstances work to help us become more like Christ?
The word for pressure-filled circumstances is often translated two different ways in the Bible: temptation and trial. James says to consider it joy when you go through trials because God is using them to help you grow in Christ (James 1:2-12). He is using the endurance you build as you go through the pressure to help you become mature in Him. James says to get any of the characterological parts that you are missing.
These pressures in your life helps reveal what it is in any particular circumstance for which you live or serve (James 1:13-18). If ultimately we live for something other than Jesus Christ, the Bible refers to this as an idol. The thing we live for and serve is a God-replacement.
Influencers of the Heart (www.kevincarson.com)
The desires in your heart determine what happens to you as you undergo the pressure of the circumstance – that is why two different words are often used in Bible translations to describe these pressures. Either it is a trial which helps you build endurance and grow in Christ, or it is a temptation which is a solicitation to sin from your desires in your heart.
When those desires go unrestrained, you will experience growing discontentment (James 1:16-17). You will not perceive God’s good gift (which includes your situation in His sovereign, providential plan that is meant to grow you into Christ-likeness) as less than good and will increasingly become more discontent. This results from a misplaced focus: instead of living for God and godliness, you live for your own desires or idols (James 1:18).
Growing in Self-Control
How does a husband then control his desires for sex so that they do not become needs but ultimately help him become more like Christ?
Testing Your Desires
Desiring sex from your spouse is not wrong. It only becomes wrong when that desire becomes your controlling desire – more than your desire to love Christ and love/serve your spouse (Matt 22:36-40). As long as the motivation to have sex (your desire) is subservient to your motivation to love as Christ, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting sex. Therefore, you must learn to test your desires to see what has functional control over your heart. The issue relates to what rules your heart in this moment.
These are four great questions you can ask to see what desire has functional control over you (for further thinking related to desires and hope Click Here).
Ask yourself: “Do I want sex so much that…
- …I am willing to sin to get it?
- …I am willing to sin if I don’t get it?
- …I am willing to sin if I think I’m going to lose this?
- …I run to it as a refuge instead of God?
Toward Christ-likeness
If you find that you need to grow in the area of desires, this series of questions should help you think through your desires, examine them, and keep your focus on loving Christ and your wife more than yourself.
- Is your goal your own satisfaction or God’s glory (James 3:13-18)?
What drives you? Are you operating out of the world’s false wisdom where your sensual desires come before your desire to honor Christ and serve your wife? - How do you respond when you do not get your way (James 4:1-10)?
Does your response typically move toward conflict and loss of joy or do you submit to God, choose to love your wife, and enjoy what in His grace you can enjoy? - Are you focused on loving your neighbor like Christ or loving yourself (Ephesians 5:1-7)?
This is an important question because it focuses on your motivation. - Do you desire a good marriage (as you want it) more than you loving and serving a great Savior (Matthew 6:32-33)? What do you want most? Is it to honor God and seek Him?
- Are you more interested in loving or being loved? serving or being served? (Matthew 22:37-40; Galatians 5:13-26)
These two questions also point you toward something greater in life than serving yourself. God has saved you in order for you to love and serve others (Learn more about that here).
Let Your True Love Change Your Heart
Men, the goal is to desire to honor Christ and love your spouse more than yourself. Your desires will remain in check if you always keep the motivation of what you want located in the first and second great commandments of loving God and loving your neighbor. My friend Tom Zempel always used to say, “Love God supremely and love your neighbor sincerely” – that certainly applies in this context of evaluating your desire for sex.
So, in preparation for the next blog on sex, wives, you can consider this question, “Wife, are you cheating your husband?” Talk with you then.
Part 1: What Do You Need to Know about Sex and Why?
Part 2: What is the Ultimate Purpose of Sex?
Part 3: What is the motivation for good sex?
Part 4: What are the benefits of good sex?
Part 5: What is the connection between sex and communication?
Part 6: How can you understand the struggle of a man’s desire for sex in marriage?
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[1] I’m grateful to Paul Tripp for this understanding while his student in my doctoral studies.