As a husband writing to husbands, this hits close to home. If you were to ask the average guy what he thinks of sex in his own particular marriage, he would tend to think solely about his wife and whether or not he receives the pleasure he desires. His mind would drift toward whether or not he is content with what he receives. He would think about last night, the night before, and the night before that.
As a counselor, I speak to many men who describe a general level of discontentment with their sex lives. Some go all the way back to the honeymoon, others back to when children began to arrive, and others back to the last month or last night. Many discuss what they expected, what they have heard other men say, and what they have seen through media. However, when we think of sex and our contentment level, we must think much broader than just “Wife, what have you done sexually for me lately?” We must consider our own responsibilities to make sex (and our marriages) great.
Husband, is it possible you are cheating your wife even though you are not cheating on your wife? Are there areas where she deserves your attention, care, and love where you fail to give it to her? Do you desire your wife and strive to bring her pleasure and satisfaction more than your own? In order to help your marriage and your sex life with your wife, we begin here.
A Few Key Principles to Remember
The Purpose of Sex.
The purpose of sex is to ultimately glorify God, but also celebrates being one flesh together, serves as the means to pregnancy, expresses one’s love for the other, and provides pleasure. Understood in total, sex provides another avenue to meaningful, heart-felt worship for the couple together. In it, the couple celebrates a whole-bodied response to the goodness and grace of God in Christ together. This is only possible as the husband and wife both stay mindful of God’s purposes and participate freely together in sex.
The Benefits of Sex.
Sex provides incredible benefits for you, your spouse, and you both as a couple together. Not only does sex provide for an opportunity to worship, which is incredibly huge by itself, enjoying sex together as a married couple also provides encouragement, satisfaction, protection, and, depending upon the season of life, the potential for children. These benefits are huge. Lack of sex with you and a less-than-passionate response for sex with you robs from her what God has intended for her.
The Motivation for Sex.
Often when discussing an individual’s libido, multiple factors play a part in whether or not one desires sex. Although these various multiple factors are important, the ultimate motivator for sex is love. A husband should love to have sex. Why? Because he loves his wife and love always has at its core the goal to give. The husband’s love must reflect Christ’s love (Eph 5:1-2; 5:25-33).
Many of you are surprised that I have to suggest a husband should love to have sex with his wife. For you, this fact will be very interesting. Of all the couples I have worked with over the years, specifically about sex, most of the women are more dissatisfied than the men over the issue of sex. That means husbands, different than what is stereo-typically discussed, many of us have much less desire for sex than our wives. If this is you, you need to know that 1) you are not alone, and 2) because of love for Christ and your wife, this needs to change. In order to not cheat your wife out of what she deserves, you must ramp it up here. Love provides you the motivation to make sure your wife is satisfied and pleasured the way she desires. As a result, you both will be more content because you have served her well and along the way have also honored God in your love for your wife.
Areas Where Husbands Tend to Cheat Their Wives
As I have worked with many husbands and as I evaluate my own self as a husband, there are several areas in life that tends to distract us as husbands. In the process, we end up cheating (and hopefully not cheating on) our wives. In no particular order, let me help you think through a few key areas. I am going to arrange them around John’s warning to us in the Bible.
16 For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. (1 John 2:16)
Lust of the Eyes
Oh the lust of the eyes. God hardwired us to enjoy a woman’s anatomy – and by enjoy I mean be turned on by a woman’s looks. She does not have to be naked even for us to pay attention. It is for this reason that women are encouraged strongly in the Bible to dress modestly. Their goal of modesty is not for them but for us. Why? Because we notice. There are two implications of this for each of us. First, women can attract your attention even without trying. Second, you can only honor God as you keep your eyes on your own wife.
Because of the lust of the eyes, as a husband, you must keep your eyes pure. Pornography is out. Roaming eyes is unacceptable. Extra looks – no. Double-checks – no, nada. As a husband, God hardwired attraction into your being. This has been true since Adam (Gen 2:22-23). Adam did not need a second look. As soon as God introduced him to Eve, he physically reacted. He said, “Now this! This is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” He could see it with his eyes. God provided his naked counterpart. For you, God has provided your counterpart as well – your wife. Therefore, your eyes should exclusively be on her. If not, you are cheating her.
Lust of the Flesh
When we discuss the lust of the flesh, we think of our desires. We want to receive pleasure. We want what makes us feel good. Although it is certainly not sinful to feel good, these desires make us sin whenever we want to feel good and please ourselves more than honor God and love/serve our neighbor. The apostle Paul challenged all of us to have the mind of Christ which puts the needs and concerns of God and others first – always (Phil 2:3-8). Literally, we can have an inordinate desire for anything (which includes the good stuff which is rightfully ours). Whenever we desire something so much that we are willing to sin to get it, sin if we do not get it, or sin if we are afraid we are going to lose it, we desire that thing too much.
Because of the lust of the flesh, as a husband you must evaluate your desire for sex (as I wrote about here). This is the bottom line: your wife can seek to satisfy you all the time and can have sex with you every day, but if you have a lust problem, it is impossible for her to ever truly satisfy you. Why do you return to pornography? Why do you self-masturbate all the time? Why can’t you seem to get enough? Because you have not dealt with your inordinate desire for your own pleasure.
Instead, you should desire to pleasure your wife more than be pleasured yourself (1 Cor 7:3-4). Your erection should come from a desire to please her (giving) not a desire to ‘get some’ (receiving). As you contemplate sex, a godly husband focuses on what he can give to his wife and how he can bring her pleasure, not just the joy of his own physical pleasure and orgasm. If you are more focused on what you will receive versus what you can give, you are cheating your wife.
The Pride of Life
In this category of potential sin includes many of the things that distract us as men. We enjoy being conquerors. We want to win. We like to feel good about our accomplishments at work, at church, in our community, and in our families. We like it when people tell us how good we are. We love to tell ourselves how good we are. This is an area of potential great sin. To say it simply, we love ourselves and expect everyone else to love us too.
How does this provide opportunities for you as a husband to sin against your wife and cheat her out of what she biblically deserves? Let me suggest a couple of key areas.
Games. The pride of life rears its ugly head in a husband’s use of electronics with games. This story is true. A wife comes from the hallway to the living room naked and invites her husband to have sex. He glances up and says, “Yes, that’s great. Let me finish this game first.” What?? Smash the stupid phone if you are so driven by your desire to win a game that you can not turn your attention toward your wife. Okay, maybe do not smash it – but then again maybe you should. Turn off Madden or the TV or Netflix or Prime. Close the computer. The goal to win a game absolutely is secondary or tertiary to the goal of loving and serving your wife. You can cheat your wife out of your best energy, time, attention, and passion because of games.
Social Media. Social media provides another avenue of distraction away from your wife and giving her the attention she deserves. Here the husband can find meaning, greater significance, and other pleasure through people’s likes, laughs, and shares. Conversations can go on for hours through Snapchat, Instagram, and other social media simply about nothing. You can talk cars, work, and sports ad nauseam. In the process, you find personal joy and fulfillment. Maybe you make people laugh, beat them with your wit, demonstrate how much you know, make yourself feel more popular, or whatever it is you do that momentarily placates the pride of life. In the process, both God is not honored and your wife is cheated.
Work. God is honored when we do our best at our workplace. You may work for a corporation, in a small business, own your own business, or have many entrepreneurial enterprises. Regardless of where you work or what you do, it is easy to allow work to build our pride of life. Work sinfully invades life when you do not know when to put it down, put it out of your mind, or put it away. Work is important. Making money is important. Neither though are most important. You can always get another job. You can always do something else to make money. However, you have just one wife. When your time and energy at home are spent on work rather than your wife, you are cheating her.
Two Ways to Guarantee You Will Not Cheat Your Wife
How then do you as a husband love your wife so that she is not cheated by you? How do you provide her both the life she desires with you and the sexual satisfaction she deserves? God’s plan is that she would be satisfied with you as a husband and, in turn, be very satisfied sexually by you. Anything less is your responsibility as a husband to determine how you can better serve her.
The answer lies in loving her as Christ loved the church. Notice what Paul writes:
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. (Ephesians 5:25-29)
Paul gives the secret to not cheating your wife. Love her like Christ. Love her with a self-sacrificial, selfless, providing, protecting, and serving love. Come beside her as a servant-leader who receives the utmost pleasure in serving her rather than being served. Focus on what you can do to make her life easier, less stressful, and more enjoyable. Provide the two things for her that will guarantee you will not cheat your wife.
Nourish Her
To nourish means to provide your wife everything she needs to grow. Provide her with whatever it takes to make her life and living better – and this is not by any means simply materialistic things. Ask her how she is doing. Seek to find ways to meaningfully demonstrate to her that you love her, want her to strive, desire her to grow, and want her success greater than your own. As you make her pleasure and vitality more important, both of you will find mutual enjoyment. She will not be cheated. You will enjoy knowing that you have honored God and nourished your wife.
Cherish Her
To cherish means to communicate to her that she is your girl, the special one, the only one. She needs to know that you love her, care for her, hold her in a place of honor, respect her, and are grateful for her. You figure out ways that she best receives your love, then practice those ways. The issue is how to love your wife wisely. You can even start with a book like the Five Love Languages to broaden your ideas of specific ways to love her (read this for more insight related to the 5LLs). Determine how to best communicate to your wife your love for her. Then do those things. As you do, you will not cheat your wife; instead, you will love her better.
One Last Observation
I would like to say that this observation comes from the lives of so many other men over the years as I have helped them. However, in reality, I recognized this tendency in my own life many years ago. Here’s the observation: we narrow love of husband down to just include whether or not we get sex. Many times a husband goes to bed frustrated or angry because his wife did not choose to satisfy him. This is wrong for many reasons as we have discussed above – the goal, purpose, motivation, self-focus, etc. However, I think it is wrong for another reason that I do not want you to miss. A husband can easily narrow his view of his wife’s love down to just one issue. He goes to bed frustrated and aggravated because he simply did not get what he wanted, what he valued, or for what he longed. Yet, that same wife cooked, cleaned, laundered, taxied, and many other countless things throughout the day, like worked outside the home to bring in an additional salary to support the home, that demonstrated her love for God and her husband (and children if God has so blessed). But the husband is dissatisfied. Why? Because he did not get what he wants. Men – including myself – we can not narrow love down to only include one small aspect of life with our wives. When you do (or when I do), you cheat your wife.
Are You Cheating Your Wife?
Are you cheating your wife? For the sake of God’s glory, your good, and her increased pleasure in being your wife, I hope you are not. As husbands, we must put our best effort into loving our wives in meaningful ways that honor Christ and build them up. May God grant you grace as you consider your part in your wife’s life.
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In preparation for the next blog on sex, you can consider this question, “What does the Bible say about sex?” Talk with you then.
Part 1: What You Need to Know about Sex and Why
Part 2: What is the Ultimate Purpose of Sex?
Part 3: What is the motivation for good sex?
Part 4: What are the benefits of good sex?
Part 5: What is the connection between sex and communication?
Part 6: How can you understand the struggle of a man’s desire for sex in marriage?
Part 7: How should a husband deal with his desire for sex?
Part 8: Wife, are you cheating your husband?
KevinCarson.com | Walking together through life as friends in Christ sharing wisdom along the journey