I laughed as I recently heard a friend tell me in conversation that “You can’t fix stupid.”
We were in the middle of a very heavy conversation on personal grief when this person simply replied, “You can’t fix stupid.”
I admit that this statement lacks grace, kindness, and understanding. However, it reflects the raw response of someone deep in grief who is trying to respond to some of the trite sayings and unintentionally unkind remarks given by other caring Christians.
Sadly, the situation is real. Often when someone struggles with grief, those of us who should know and understand the importance and comfort of Christ find it difficult to express our care and concern in helpful ways. Instead, we fumble through clichés and poorly worded comfort in an “effort” to help.
Often these words sound more like, “Aren’t you over it yet?”
In a Cemetery on a Rainy Day
Many years ago I went out to eat with a highly respected older Christian preacher. As a fairly young seminary student, I was happy that he graciously invited me to go eat. When you do not have much money or much opportunity to go out to eat, you take advantage of those moments.
While we were out he asked if I had a few minutes to drive by the cemetery. He had lost his wife to cancer just over one year before our meal together. I thought it was an interesting request, but, of course, I agreed to go since I did have the time.
He pulled through the cemetery to where his wife was buried. We sat in the car outside the grave as the rain quietly fell. He talked and I listened. He cried and talked through his own grief and loneliness. As a mentor to many and old enough to be considered a father in the faith to even more, he described what it was like to face the death of his wife with few people to actually talk with about his struggles. He described how occasionally when preaching an illustration, a particular passage, or in sometimes absolutely random moments grief would overtake him. In those instances, he often would end up at least getting teary-eyed or even crying as he spoke.
I listened intently. I am not sure if he knew it or not; however, that day he was teaching a young minister-in-training about grief. Who knows why he chose me to talk with?
Three observations about that day
First, I am absolutely sure (with total confidence) he was no where near me when another Christian man whom I respected greatly, upon seeing and hearing him get choked up in a recent chapel service, said to me in passing, “When is he going to get over it? You can’t keep going around crying all the time.”
Second, neither this Christian leader or I knew that one day I would drive my own car through that same cemetery near where his dear wife was buried to another grave where my own daughter is buried.
Third, but God knew both. God knew I needed to have a special class on grief that day. He knew what that other man said to me about getting over grief. God knew that just a few years later I would bury my own daughter there. He also knew that I would make that same journey through that cemetery dozens of times as I would become a senior adult pastor at a local church and where now have pastored in that same area for over twenty-four years. God knew I needed the lesson of that day.
A Very Abbreviated Primer on Grief from Lessons I Have Learned
- Do not assume a time table for someone else’s grief. Grief comes and goes; it is a process. How presumptuous to assume you know when someone else has suffered too long already.
- Your understanding of the person’s loss is not infallible and may not even be realistic. You do not know what you do not know. You have no idea how this person’s grief intermingles with past experiences, lost dreams, personal disappointments, previous sins, missed opportunities, and precious memories.
- Seek to enter into this person’s suffering. Listen. Listen some more. Let this person explain the depth of his or her suffering.
- Strive to respond in a 1 Thessalonians 5:14 way. This text teaches that we should comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, and be patient with all. Aim to use words that minister grace, provide encouragement, and demonstrate mercy.
- Consider how your words and spirit reflect the love and understanding of Jesus Christ as he dealt with Mary and Martha upon the death of their brother Lazarus (John 11:35).
- In most cases, the person in grief does not need to have someone share reality or truth with them. They are often in progress. When you think it is necessary for you to help them move on, that may be more a sign of impatience on your part than care. Do not assume your thoughts are of the Spirit. They may be. This person may need help. Exercise incredible caution here.
- Be a drop of dew on an otherwise suffocating day. As an ambassador of Jesus Christ, you have the distinct honor and privilege to be the voice, hands, and feet of Jesus. Your words should reach out and provide a warm embrace in this person’s heart. A brief respite. A bit of fresh oxygen.
- Over time as you continue to walk with this person you will learn when to provide further insight into how to handle grief. Look for a way to enter into the conversation gracefully, tactfully, humbly, and gently. What you will find is that most people do not need a lecture. Most individuals need support in a moment as that moment fits a much longer and more fruitful conversation. In that much longer conversation, doors will open to help this person get a better handle on grief.
- Just being “black and white”, “calling it like it is,” or a “low on mercy” person does not make a less-than-very-thoughtful remark kind or godly. If you tend to see black and white, great for you. What this simply means for you is that you need lots of practice, thoughtful meditation, and advice from others on how to care well for others. Do not blame your personality for a lazy soul that fails to love others well.
- Weep with those who weep (Rom 12:15). Paul makes it simple for us. In so doing, you’ll be most like God. “The LORD is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Ps 34:18). God keep track of our misery, puts our tears in His leather container, and records them in His scroll (Ps 56:8). God cares about our tears and so should we care about the tears of others.
May God grant us wisdom, courage, and grace as we seek to help others around us in their suffering.
KevinCarson.com | Wisdom for Life in Christ Together
Thank you, Dr. Carson! I am so very sorry to hear of your own deep sorrow in the loss of your daughter. I cannot imagine that heartbreak, or that you ever fully “get over it.” Thank you for saying so well things that, sadly, often need to be said. And thank you for saying them with such clarity. May God give us ears that truly listen and hearts that truly love.
Speechless!! thanks for sharing amazing article. Loved it