Today is a very special day in our family – our daughter Kayla’s birthday! Twenty-one years ago today God blessed us with a gorgeous baby girl. Our first. We had no idea that our moments with her would be limited to just one month. In fact, had we known, I’m not sure her mom would have slept any that entire month. She would have insisted on watching her, listening to her, and caring for her every single instant. Today, when others born on this day are celebrating officially making it to adulthood, we remember a sweet girl who, in our human experience, left this side of life way too soon.
Our experience is not alone. Just this week I have talked with two couples who lost children. As I did, my heart breaks for them as we have already walked down the path they are on. Usually a hurting father asks how he can serve his hurting wife who has nothing to hold but memories, broken dreams, and her own grief. Annually the posts on this blog about losing a child are some of the most widely read posts of the year. So many parents share this experience of deep-seated and life-changing loss.
On Kayla’s twenty-first birthday, I want to share a Bible passage with you that recently has become sweeter to me. Just yesterday I shared it with a new dad who just lost his own baby. He and his wife did not get the privilege of holding their first baby as we did. As all our stories and experience of grief are different, they wrestle with the questions, the grief, and an empty crib.
A Place of Rest
In the Old Testament, Isaiah refers to the death of an older person in a larger discussion of Israel’s idolatry. In his reference though, I think there is a lesson even for those of us who lose babies. Although there may be several ways this passage is helpful, I want to think through two of them with you.
The righteous perishes,
And no man takes it to heart;
Merciful men are taken away,
While no one considers
That the righteous is taken away from evil.
He shall enter into peace;
They shall rest in their beds,
Each one walking in his uprightness. (Isaiah 57:1-2)
In its original context, a faithful generation dies and an unfaithful generation could care less. They do not take it to heart or care. They miss what has happened completely. Instead, this unfaithful generation are carried away by their own evil desires.
But there is more we can learn as those who have walked this journey of losing a baby.
A Place of Rest Because of Evil
Notice with me how Isaiah describes both the purpose of death and death itself.
He describes death of the one covered under the righteousness of God as rest and peace. The one who dies leaves life on this side of eternity and enters into the other side of eternity known as rest and peace.
As adults, we often look at a baby who sleeps and refer to him or her as “resting peacefully,” “resting” or “so peaceful.” As parents, grandparents, uncles, and aunts, sometimes it amazes us that a little one can go from fussy and energetic to so deeply at rest. We intuitively know that rest is good for our little ones. We celebrate a moment of peace.
As older people die, we often refer to their deaths as “entering into rest” as well. Funeral homes and cemeteries are often called “Resthaven” this or that. Again, we have appropriately connected “rest” with death.
For the eager and anticipating parent of a sweet baby, this idea is often missed. Where we find personal peace and comfort from an older person who in death gets rest, we miss it when it is a sweet little one, especially our own. The empty crib stands for loss more than it does rest. Yet, we need to think about this more and deeper.
The empty crib represents a much greater reality. This little one left this life and entered into eternal rest and peace.
Think about this. Eternal rest and peace.
The New Testament describes it of course as being absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Cor 5:8). Friends, that is true rest and peace. To transition from life on earth to life in heaven at any age is worth celebrating.
What Makes Rest and Peace So Positive?
Ultimately, rest and peace are good. Why?
First, as Isaiah says, because the one who dies is taken away from evil.
This person leaves this world plagued by the curse of sin to enter into a life marked by the complete absence of sin. This little one moves from the realm of Satan, the prince and power of the air, to the home of Jesus, the perfect Son of God who came to take away the sin of the world.
Sin in all its dimensions dominates the world around us. We each deal with it personally as well as in our society and on our planet. But not our little ones who slip into eternity. God spares them. The sweet baby who leaves an empty crib also leaves a sin-cursed world. He or she moved to a perfect world lit by the perfect Son, fixed on worship, and full of the glory of God. What is very apparently missing? Evil. God graciously spares our little ones the evil we endure.
Friends, please do not miss this. From a world full of pandemics, pestilence, wars, all kinds of abuse, and every form of evil to a world full of the glory of God, Jesus Christ, and the worship of the righteous of the ages. Our mind’s eye – even as much as we strain – misses the significance of this. We understand it only in part.
For twenty-one years this month, our Kayla has enjoyed the rest and peace God intended for her. She is not worried about a pandemic. Her imperfect parents do not disappoint her and sometimes sin against her. She does not face injustice, abuse, or the threat of it in any way. She actively worships at the feel of Jesus awaiting the day she will be reunited with perfect parents who eagerly will do the same. We do not feel sorry for Kayla; she has not missed out on anything. We grieve our own personal loss of getting to experience life with her. But the life she would have experienced is absolutely nothing like the life she is experiencing.
Second, our little ones miss evil and move on with the righteous.
As each of our other four children were born, we immediately began praying for the salvation of their souls. Over time, all four professed Christ and personally asked God to forgive their sins, save them, and chose to follow Christ as their Lord and Savior. God providentially showered grace upon them and us as we have experienced this together.
Their mother and I continue to pray for each of them that God would by His grace protect them. Protect them from what? From evil, sin, and Satan. Every day they face the trials and troubles of life on earth. Each and every day we long for them to choose righteousness and righteous living.
We are eternally grateful that our children are the Lord’s and walk with the Lord. That of course is not true for every parent. Many children grow up and never have a personal relationship with God. Many parents still pray for the salvation of their children. These are real burdens. Many parents’ hearts ache for the salvation and sanctification of their children.
Now for twenty-one years, our hearts have not ached for Kayla’s salvation and sanctification. God chose to allow us to skip that burden and miss that pain. In her death, we find comfort knowing that she never faced the personal burden, complication, and potential condemnation from her own personal sin. God’s grace protected her.
Ask the parent where his or her child has not chosen to follow God in Christ or live a life of sanctification. Then you will better understand the grace God demonstrates toward us and toward the child He takes to heaven in infancy.
Yes, We Still Hurt
Do we still hurt when we think of the loss of our sweet girl? Of course.
Is it right to hurt, be disappointed, and miss our daughter? Yes, both when she died and now.
But understand the nature of our hurt. We miss her because we miss getting to see her, touch her, kiss her, hug her, and encourage her as she grows. We miss our part. Our grief is not grief for our girl. Our grief is grief for us.
Is God fair to take our child in infancy? Absolutely. She is the better for it.
Can we get angry about it and throw a fit in our soul? We can, but why? Why would I throw a fit that God chose my daughter to skip the evil and go straight to the righteous? What about earth is so special that I would get angry at God for actually protecting my daughter from evil? Why would I be so selfish to wish the evil trappings of this world on my daughter when God actually allowed her to skip it all and go straight to heaven? She is the better for it. If we get caught in anger, in all reality, our anger just demonstrates we want our will more than God’s. We want our way more than the path God chose.
Oh yes, there is personal loss. Real loss. Real hurt. But oh what a great birthday my daughter gets to have today with Jesus.
For me today, I realize Kayla has lived life better than absolutely anything I could have ever provided or promised for her. Would I have enjoyed trying? Would I have wanted to share the past twenty-one years with her? Of course, yes one hundred times over. But what a great joy for her that she was chosen to go to heaven.
Yes, there have been sorrow and sadness. But grieving friends, do not get this wrong. Our sadness is over personal loss and lost opportunity from our very human hearts. For our daughter and for your own child as well, they are enjoying only what now we can only partially dream or fathom.
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