People struggle. COVID-19 and the slow roll of reopening states make it no better.
This is an important reality to remember in the midst of it: you do not know the depth of struggle in those around you.
People hurt. Others are lonely. Some are caught in old patterns of sin and struggle – some of which they thought were long gone. Still others have found new ways to sin.
Over the next few days I’ll examine some specific struggles, but for now, let me encourage you with one very simple thoughts.
Ask The Question
Please ask your friend, “How are you doing?”
You can fit this question into almost any conversation. I suggest you might consider starting with your own self-aware statement such as:
- “I have noticed I’ve had some interesting thoughts…”
- “It has surprised me how lonely I have been…”
- “I can’t hardly believe how I’ve missed being around people…”
- “Some days my own sinfulness even surprises me…”
- “I’m grateful someone asked me this question the other day, I want to pass on the same courtesy…
- “This season has been hard, …”
These are all lead in statements that make your question part of the normal conversation.
…”How are you doing?”
Then listen.
Listen. That’s simple, isn’t it?
Just take a moment to focus on what is being said by your friend. Do not think about your next statement or next question. Instead, just listen to what is being said to you at that time and in that moment.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself as you listen to help evaluate what you hear:
- What is common about what I am hearing?
In this question, you are listening for what is typical between you and your friend. If your friend is lonely, where have you been lonely? If your friend is struggling in a specific way, how is that potentially typical to how you have struggled. The goal in this question is to make a connection on the level of functional living, thinking, or feelings. - Is the person’s answer an issue of struggling or sinning?
If my friend is discussing struggling, how can I show mercy? Where can I show grace? Is there a place where I can practically help?If my friend is discussing sin, how can I show mercy? Where can I show grace? Is there a place where I can practically help?
Did you notice? These questions are the same. Essentially, if the person is suffering or sinning, you still approach the next question in similar ways. You are asking how your friend is doing because you care and want to help. The goal is not a “gotcha” question or response. Instead, your goal is to walk beside your friend in kindness, offering the grace of Christ to live wisely and godly in the midst of a pressure-filled circumstance.
- Does my friend need specific help?
In this question, you are considering special steps such as intense accountability, more intentional intervention, or otherwise more energetic measures to provide immediate help.
Ask More Questions
Once you ask your initial question, listen well and consider what you are hearing, then you ask another question.
Do not jump into immediate conversation. The goal of the initial question of “How are you doing” isn’t to give a lecture, minimize what is being said in a trite reply, or just to be a “sounding board” to the other person. Instead, you want to ask another question in order to learn more about what is actually being said. As a learner of this other person, you will be able to determine how best to provide help.
Initial Help
Let me suggest a baseline range of potential help you can immediately offer:
- Offer to pray for and with your friend. In the conversation you can say, “Would you mind if I pray with you?” This is such a loving and biblical response of help.
- If there is a specific need, offer to help with that need. The Bible makes it clear (James 2:14-26) that if there is something you can do, you need to do it. It is unloving to ask about a person’s need, find out about it, and then do nothing for the other person.
- Offer to talk again. You may need to schedule it. Do not leave it up to just chance because sometimes that never comes. Seek to make it specific. Questions like this may be helpful: “Would you mind if I called you again…”
- Remind your friend of the essential nature of the Gospel. Help whomever it is you are talking with to remember the essential nature of his or her walk with Christ. The more you your friend keeps his or her mind on Christ, the better that person will be.
- Help also remind your friend of basic spiritual disciplines. We all need to be reminded occasionally to read our Bibles, pray, memorize new Bible verses, and other simple disciplines.
KevinCarson.com | Wisdom for Life in Christ Together
