The Messiness and Challenges of Friendships in the Church

 

The past few days we have been considering friendships. In a previous blog we discussed Job and his friends. We do not know everything about their relationship; however, we do recognize that they were motivated deeply to help their friend. As discussed, their help did not go as smoothly as they had hoped. As seen yesterday, the reality still exists though that we each need a special friend or friends and friendship. Friendship blesses those both inside and outside the body of Christ. For the one inside the body functioning the way the Bible describes, friendship is especially helpful. In fact, needed. This leaves us with a nagging problem though which often isn’t discussed. If friendships at times disappoint but are essential, what do we do with the messiness and challenges of friendships in the church?

We all know of someone somewhere that did something and it ruined a friendship, hurt unity, or any one of hundreds of other things. Yesterday was my 42nd anniversary of being baptized. In my home church, baptism was the mechanism for formal church membership. That means, that as of yesterday, I have been a member of a local church for now 42 years. Over that time, my association with both local churches where I was a member and in observation of other churches has provided many examples both small and large of friendship struggles in the church.

But why? If we are all followers of Christ, enjoy the ministry of the Holy Spirit, and share the same purpose of life to bring glory to God, why would there ever be issues in a church at the friendship level? Great questions!

The Ideal

When you read the Bible, you read the ideal. We memorize and seek to practice consistently verses such as “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12), “Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2), “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Galatians 5:14) and “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18). Further, we are challenged with passages like: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32), “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection” (Colossians 3:12-14), and “Encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

We love these verses and accept the challenge of each of them. These are the kinds of verses that make walking with Christ and having friends who do the same so wonderful. Verses like these and the relationships they create have blessed my life for 42 plus years as a member of a local church. I’ve watched these truths played out in scenario after scenario, life after life, and situation after situation over the years.

The depth and quality of my friendships over the years all come back to those in the body of Christ. How incredibly blessed I’ve been as I have sought to live these wonderful truths out in the context of life in Christ and the church. As we do together, deep and enduring relationships result.

The Reality

The sad reality exists though that reminds us that not all relationships live up to the ideal. Not all people do these things perfectly. In fact, I do not do these things perfectly. Sometimes it seems I don’t do them even imperfectly well.

After 42 years in the church, there are specific situations, circumstances, and responses that I wish I could change. For the matter, there are whole seasons I wish I could go back and adjust. Friendships which have been damaged or even worse lost due to my own failures at one level or another. When I take a moment over 42 years to consider these, I am reminded of how much I depend upon God’s grace every day to both forgive sin and forgive sinners. Every day I depend upon God’s grace to enable patience, endurance, forbearance, and ultimately change. Day after day I understand the ideal but allow disappointments, discouragement, my own desires, and the imperfections of others to keep me from the ideal. If I am not careful, the ideal is lost deep inside my soul, my attitude, and my actions.

What is true for me is sadly true for all of us. That’s the crazy reality of it all. God saves sinners from the power of sin but not the presence of sin. We are saved in the midst of a depraved world with tough, pressure-filled circumstances, but are not saved out of a depraved world. Yes, the kingdom of Satan is broken but not abolished. We each get up and must deal with the external pressures around us while still suffering under the internal pressures of our own weaknesses, sinful disposition, thoughts, and memories. This is the reality in which we live. We are sinners and sufferers.

The Personal Challenge

The personal challenge of living and walking with Jesus faces me every day. The only hope I possess comes from the Holy Spirit as I remember biblical truth and seek to live consistent with it. I rejoice in promises of God’s grace, acceptance, and pleasure. I remind myself of key truths of Scripture so that I find rest in my soul (Colossians 3:1-4).

The loudest voice in my life can often be my own. Selfish desires, condoning messages, reminders of past sin, and guessing the motives of others can work together to drown out the voice of the Spirit of God through the Scriptures. Instead of walking in the Spirit and allowing my mind to be filled with Christ, I can easily allow my mind to be filled with me – my desires, my interests, my feelings, and my disappointments. Instead of looking outward and serving others, I look inward and serve self.

Sadly, this personal challenge faces both you and me daily. This challenge emanates right out of our sin nature. Thankfully, most days, with the help of the Scripture and our daily spiritual disciplines, we can stay out in front of it. But at times, this seems to be the battle of the ages.

What is the battle? Living for me and not for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:9, 14-15). When I lose this battle, then I live for me and not accurately or adequately loving/serving others. Before I know it, if I’m not careful, my friends miss out on the benefit that should be theirs as those who are part of the body of Christ because I am losing my own battle for personal sanctification.

The Messiness and Challenges of Friendships in the Church

Now think big picture. If the quality and strength of every friendship in the church depends upon every single individual’s daily walk with Christ through the Spirit, then at times, no doubt, these friendships will be messy. Get this – not because any person wants to make a particular friendship weak or hurt the church or minimize unity or … or … or… – relationships and friendships in a church at times struggle because of issues of personal sanctification and personal worship.

So goes personal sanctification – so goes the strengths and weaknesses of friendships.

If I am struggling in my own heart as it relates to Christ, my circumstances, or my desires, I can be assured that relationships around me will suffer. Not because of them (although they may certainly be struggling too), but because of me. To the extent I struggle, those around me will experience it as well.

Herein lies one of the great challenges of friendships in the church. When I need it most, my own struggles hinders those around me from serving. If my friend is also struggling, the combination of that struggle will without question will create an even greater struggle.

For this reason, we each need each other. We must push past struggle when and wherever it exists toward strength. Thankfully, God provides us the grace and strength to do this.

You need me to persevere, strive to walk in the Spirit, do my part in the Body of Christ, and keep doing it.
I need you to persevere, strive to walk in the Spirit, do your part in the Body of Christ, and keep doing it.
We can’t let each other fail. Together with encouragement and through the power of the Spirit by God’s grace, we persevere.

Are there valleys, hiccups, mistakes, and bumps? Sure.
However, the hope of eternity, the moments of grace, the love shared, life shared, and growth attained makes them all worth it.

Even in the season when you or I are not feeling it!

Everything good in the body of Christ begins with God, His grace, and He empowerment.
Enjoying everything good in the body of Christ depends upon an individual’s heart.
Enhancing and encouraging everything good in the body of Christ depends upon each one of us as we live together in Christ.

What a joy to be a friend and to have friends in the body of Christ.

 

 

Image Credit Burst