Be Careful Before You Give Your Opinion – Martha Peace with Kevin Carson

From Kevin…

Handling the stories, lives, and pressured circumstances of those who seek our help requires much wisdom. As we interact with other people seeking to provide insight and direction to them, Solomon provides direction.

Notice these four verses:

Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life. (Prov 4:23)

He who answers a matter before he hears it,
It is folly and shame to him. (Prov 18:13)

The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge,
And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. (Prov 18:15)

The first one to plead his cause seems right,
Until his neighbor comes and examines him. (Prov 18:17)

Two important principles fill these four verses. First, how you gather data is important. Second, the goal of the data you seek should reveal the heart.

First, how you gather data is important (Prov 18:13, 15, 17). A wise person asks questions and engages discussion not simply to gather random information, but primarily to learn the context for living. A wise friend seeks to hear the whole matter, seek knowledge, and listens for the whole story.

Second, the goal of the data you seek should reveal the heart (Prov 4:23). The text points to the reality that all the issues of life flow from the heart. The wise friend seeks to both understand the heart and how the issues of life flow out of it.

With this in mind, Martha, please explain the importance of wisely seeking to gather data with excellence. Do you have any personal examples or illustrations to help us understand this as we talk with brothers and sisters in Christ?

From Martha…

Often counseling or helping a friend is like putting together a 500-piece puzzle. When you start out, it just looks like 500 pieces that you have no idea how they fit together. However, after you listen to their original story and start asking questions, gradually the pieces begin to fit together. I think there is a danger time when not enough pieces have fit together to really get a clear picture of where you should go. If that happens, you may find yourself answering a matter before you hear it. So, don’t be so quick to think or say, “Aha! I know what your problem is — you have an idol of …” or something like that. Instead, pray for wisdom and ask for God’s supernatural help (James 1). Take your time.

I remember one particular person I was trying to help who was very unstable and troubled. We talked many different times. I asked her many questions and even gave her stuff to do between our conversations based upon what she told me. Months into trying to help her, she finally  opened up to the ONE THING I really needed to know. All along I knew that there was something that I did not know. Then the direction of our conversations took an entirely different turn.

I am not sure that I gathered data well in trying to help her, but I did recognize that I was missing a huge piece of the puzzle.

With all the years of experience that the Lord has given me, normally I can figure out how the puzzle comes together fairly quickly, but I still need to be aware that I need to pray for God’s wisdom to help me. So, after all these years, I still need to turn to God for His help. We all do.

From Kevin…

Excellent illustration, my friend. The 500-piece puzzle is helpful to think through what we are trying to do when we begin to hear the details of another person’s story. As I listen to you, I am reminded that patience and diligence are both so important. It is easy to answer a matter before you know the whole thing. I know that I have done the same. I think I know many Christians and situations where that has happened as well. This is a common area where we must do our best diligence to answer wisely.

Thank you for your time and help. You’ve given us excellent advice.