When You Are Grieving or Know Someone Who Is

You Never Know the Level of Your Thoughtfulness or Impact

This past Tuesday, we passed the dreaded date on the calendar of our daughter’s death back in 1999. Twenty-four years later, we have our memories, a date on the calendar of her birth and death, a grave at the cemetery, and, thankfully, hope in the resurrection. Plus, we have friends who share in our loss, friends who make the burden and memory of the day easier. As you walk with those who are suffering or have gone through grieving, you never know the level of your thoughtfulness or impact on them. In fact, unless you have been through deep suffering yourself, you may not have any idea. However, do not let that keep you from doing something.

 

How we were blessed this year.

Our family was blessed in a variety of ways this year on the anniversary of our daughter’s death. Let me list a few to possibly help you think through your own response to a grieving person. Further, if you are the grieving person, I want to help you as well.

To be honest, after twenty-four years, you do not really expect people to remember. In fact, if no one remembered the specific day or mentioned it, it would be no fault of their own. As parents, it is important to us because she is our daughter. It is our story, our life, and our journey. My children have another sister they never see this side of eternity; we have a daughter no one sees as well. Yet, she lives. Therefore, what we have of her is extremely important, including the two days on a calendar of the day of her birth and the day of her death.

On the other hand, we could never expect others to remember it. Life moves on. Every person lives a full life with their own stories, own dates, and own struggles. For us to take it personally if someone forgets would be tragic for us. We would increase our own pain without a legitimate cause.

Yet, we have been blessed again this year – in the twenty-fourth year of our daughter.

• Text Messages and Personal Notes. Within a few hours of our day beginning, we started receiving text messages of care and concern from those who love us. Nothing major. One such text, “We are thinking about you all today and sweet Kayla! We love you both and your precious family.” Another, “Praying for you and the family today as you reflect on your sweet girl and look forward to seeing her in heaven. Love you so much and sending big hugs to you.” One more example, “Just prayed for you two for today and wanted you to know. Will continue to pray throughout the day. I love you so much.”

These are three examples of many. People reaching out.

You might say to yourself, “But what if they’re not thinking about it today?” “Will I make their day sad?” To be honest, No. Even if in a moment the individual you reach out to is not thinking about their loss, that person will be encouraged by your thoughtfulness.

• Delivered Flowers. As you can see in the picture above, someone sent us a beautiful arrangement of flowers. Who, you may be wondering, would do that? We do not know. For years, someone has loved us enough to send a flower arrangement to us on our daughter’s annual day of loss.

We are so blessed by the gesture of love. Again, as I mentioned above, no one has to do this, nor is it expected. This act of kindness is an expression of personal sacrifice and love. Think about it. Someone has to preplan what he or she will do, has to pay for it, and then execute the plan. All of these things take time, resources, and commitment.

For what benefit? To brighten our day, to let us know someone remembers, to communicate that someone cares. And, guess what? It works. We are blessed. One year this person even worked with my brother to know the address of where we were on vacation in Florida in order to have flowers delivered to us there. How kind is that?

The fact that it is anonymous highlights the goal. This individual, family, or group of individuals chooses to not be known. They want the personal satisfaction of encouraging us and showing us love, rather than receiving personal praise for it.

• Gravesite Care. There are others who make a point to stop by the gravesite. We do not know how many actually go by the grave. We know some do. There’s evidence. Flowers, a note, a toy, some grounds care. Who did these things? We do not know. Just another person who cares enough to stop, take time out of their day, and serve others.

We do not know who stops, cares, and demonstrates the love and care of Jesus Christ. However, someone does. Someone loves us. Someone cares.

 

What if you are the grieving?

Possibly, you are the one who has lost a loved one. You are sad, hurting, and sorrowful. Please allow me to give you a few suggestions.

• Post something on social media. Possibly on the day of an anniversary of a significant day (such as birthday, day of death, anniversary, etc), put up a simple social media post. It can say something like, “I really am missing my sweet girl today,” or “Days seem long and years seem short. But regardless, I miss my sweet girl.” These are just examples.

Why? This helps others remember. As mentioned above, everyone is busy. Yes, maybe one or two or three people will remember, but not many. They would be happy to remember; however, life is busy, New seasons of life begin for everyone involved. As they do, people do not forget what happened, but the timeframe and date get lost.

When you share the social media post, it provides people who want to care an opportunity to care. Those individuals may post a quick note of care, concern, and love. “We love you.” “We are so saddened by this!” “You are in our prayers.”

I often write to people, “Thank you for reminding us.” I do this because I want them to know that this post is not an unwelcome intrusion into my life; instead, I am grateful that they said something. I care; I just don’t always remember.

• Talk to a friend. If you are having a hard day, reach out to a friend. If you would like to share something special, something on your mind, or discuss your sadness, then talk to someone. Limit yourself. By that, I mean, do not go around telling everyone. Instead, tell someone who you know cares about you, loves you, and is a person who encourages others.

You might say something like, “You know, today is particularly a bad day for me. Will you pray for me?” or “I remembered a very special occasion today. It has me a bit sad.”

Hopefully, your friend will embrace this moment. Maybe you will get a hug or someone will offer a word of prayer. This is why it is important to talk to someone you trust, who knows you, and who generally cares about you.

• Go visit the grave. Over many years, I have appreciated moments of visiting the grave. Go and clean up around it, change out the flowers, or do something special. Maybe you go and look at some pictures while you are there. For others, it may be helpful to take a friend and share some memories. Our children enjoyed taking something special and leaving it at the grave.

What’s the goal? Here, the goal is to enjoy doing something intentional for the one you love. I especially like to read Bible verses that remind me of heaven, of God’s faithfulness, or His care.

• Serve someone, even if it is hard. I’m encouraging you to do this as a matter of personal preference. Seasons of life may influence you one way or the other. For instance, you may find it difficult to even breathe. You may describe yourself as depressed, suicidal, or in similar terms. In that sense, you may be asking yourself, “How am I supposed to go and serve someone else when I am on the verge of losing it?”

I appreciate this question. In my life, it truly helps. It gets my mind off of only me and helps me see others, consider their needs, and think about what is going on in their lives. In this way, it helps get our energy moving toward a beneficial end. We love. We serve. Along the way, we use our energy in ways that God designs it.

What you find is that you are encouraged ever so slightly. Others benefit. God is honored. And, your grief is better.

 

I’m praying for you.

As I write this, I am praying for you. Possibly, you are the one grieving. If so, I have just now asked God to grant you the comfort of Christ’s presence, the awareness of His love, and the hope Christ secured for you in His work on the cross.

In this moment, I think of particular individuals as well who are personal friends, church members and who have reached out – as well as those who are reading this and I do not know your name.

If you know someone who is struggling, I pray for you now, too. I pray that you can be an encouragement to that person. In addition, I pray that your person will receive your care and be encouraged by it.

 

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