Seek to Help Hurting People – Begin with Understanding

I have often heard people say, “Hurting people, hurt people.” Sadly, often, this is true. Those who hurt the most often do hurt others the most. Over many years of counseling, I have observed this as a counselor and, again sadly, sometimes as a friend. As a pastor who spends time with many other pastors, I have also heard some express the struggles of working with people. Possibly, you know the pain of being hurt by someone as well. It happens. As those who walk with God, we should seek to help the hurting people around us. This begins by trying to understand the hurting person.

Understanding the Hurting

How can you best understand another person who is hurting? Let me suggest four ways.

First, think of the times that you personally have hurt.

You may have hurt physically, emotionally, or spiritually in the past. Consider for a few moments what life was like when you were hurting. In those moments, it is often easy to believe that no one can quite understand how bad it is, how bad you feel, or how dim the future looks. Disappointment looms over you. You wonder, “How long, O Lord, will this last?” If someone, in your opinion, caused the hurt, then the hurt can seem so much more personal, devastating, and life-changing. At times it seems as if there is a hole in your heart, a pain that will not go away, or someone sitting on your chest keeping you from taking a deep breath. No matter how much you do not want to think about it, you still do. Depending on where you are in the process, your heart rate may continue to be elevated, blood pressure high, and digestive system upset. To say the least, your life is miserable in these moments. Furthermore, in these moments, it is easy to be offended by others who for whatever reason deepen the suffering.

Second, hurting seems so personal.

Often, this is the way it goes. If my body fails me, I look to God and sense disappointment in His plan for me. “Why would you let this happen to me?” If someone intentionally or unintentionally sins against me, often a mixture of heartache, anger, and perplexity invade one’s thoughts and emotions. When someone causes non-sinful suffering, our thoughts and emotions can turn quickly against the other person. Lurching quietly underneath all of these other thoughts and emotions are the misgivings of thinking that possibly “God has failed me,” “Jesus does not love me,” or “I deserve better.” Questions swirl. “Why me?” “What about that person?”

 

Third, hurting simply hurts.

The physical, emotional, and spiritual experience of hurting takes a toll on someone. Day after day of hurting minimizes your defenses, makes you more vulnerable emotionally and spiritually, and provides opportunities to sin against others. The daily burden of hurting is hard. Some refer to this time as dark, others as hopeless, and still others as breathtaking. As hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and months turn into years, our resources seem depleted to fight off sinful thoughts, emotions, and actions. Again, it is easy to begin to believe that no one cares, no one understands, or how alone you are in your suffering. The perceived loneliness magnifies the already present hurting experience.

Fourth, hurting increases misperception.

As hurting increases, so often the misperception of everything around you increases as well. As an example, consider your pet who is hurt or a non-domesticated animal caught in a fence, inside a building, or in an unintended trap. Although you may want to help the animal that is sick, injured or caught to provide care, help it heal, and give it a better life, the animal does not understand. Even a favorite pet sometimes bites when trying to help it respond to an emergency. Although a poor analogy perhaps, as people, we often can respond in similar ways. Possibly, someone tries to help in the wrong way, says the wrong thing, or freezes up from simple ignorance. When these things happen, the hurting person can misperceive these actions because of the additional hurt they cause.

The voices of the hurting…

Over years and years of counseling, pastoral ministry, and life, I have heard variations of all these next few sentences. None of them are meant to identify any particular person or any particular incidence past or present. However, we must be prepared for what we hear.

“This hurts so badly.”
“I am not sure if this will ever let up.”
“Get away from me. I don’t want your help.”
“You do not understand me.”
“I hate you.”
“Why would God do this to me?”
“I hate God.”
“He/she does not understand. How could he/she say that?”
“I hate church.”
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say.”
“You don’t know how it feels.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I want you to know how it feels.”
“I hope what happened to me happens to you and more.”

Some of these statements may be shocking to you. Yet, they represent the cries of a hurting heart. You may not personally understand someone saying some of these things. Self-awareness and humility teach us though to be patient, endure, persevere, and walk alongside the person who says things that may be quite shocking to you.

Consider these two analogies…

Have you ever been asleep when someone comes in and flips on the light? What do you do? Typically, you will cover your eyes quickly and may holler, make a large noise, or say something with a very grumpy voice.

Have you ever had a significant headache when someone talks loudly, turns the TV up real loud, or makes a big noise? What do you do? Typically, you may tell them to keep it down, may be gruff with the person, or respond ungodly in some way.

Someone flipping on the light or being too noisy with a headache may encourage you to respond poorly, may influence you to recoil and hide away from the noise or the light, or may wreck your day for a few moments.

Now, consider the person who is in deep pain, regular pain, or prolonged pain. Similar to you in one of those other instances, the pain may encourage that other person to respond similar to you with the surprise light or the noise on top of a headache.

Since hurting is invisible, we often can misunderstand, misperceive, or underestimate the significance of what this other hurting person is enduring.

What do we do?

An important question to begin with is, “What do we do?” We begin by seeking to understand the hurting person. Yet, there is more to it than simply understanding. For many of us though, this is at least a good place to begin.

What else? This post initially was going to be one part; however, because of its length, I have broken it up into two parts. Here is PART TWO. The second part includes the what else.