5 Conversation Killers for Children and Teenagers
Have you ever wondered why you can’t get very far in conversation with your child or teenager? When you consider your conversation difficulties with him or her, do you blame your child or teenager? Or, is it possible that you are partially responsible for the poor conversation between you. Here are 5 conversation killers for children and teenagers – in no specific order.
Unnecessary Criticism
Have you ever noticed the world in which your child or teenager grows? It is rough, hard, and unforgiving. When your child or teenager makes a mistake, those around him or her are happy to point it out, laugh about it, or, worse, make fun. Without any doubt, as adults, it is easy to spot areas of imperfection, needed growth, and better skill. Examples abound like keeping the lines straight in mowing a yard, holding a light steadier or in the right place, doing a project with better logic, or pouring out a drink before throwing a cup in a trash can. This list doesn’t even make a dent on all the ways an adult can find to help a child or teenager get better.
Stop. Just stop for a moment and think. As a counselor of almost three decades, most critical parents, grandparents, teachers, and adults do not hear or see the problem. Literally, the goal often stated is helping. However, stop and listen to yourself. Are your words critical? Do you demand perfection? Can you let well enough alone? Or, is it necessary to make sure they get it right?
I hear some adults say, “They get a participation trophy when they play sports; why would I ever give them a participation trophy while at home? They need to learn.” Yes, they do. They also need to listen to what you have to say with a desire to learn. Yet, if you criticize unnecessarily, you encourage your child or teenager to simply quit listening to you with the mantra of, “No matter what I do, it is never good enough.”
Instead, look for ways to build up the child or teenager. Think commendation before criticism. In fact, a great discipline to learn and apply through intentional practice is to look for something to complement before you criticize. Your child or teenager should never expect what you are going to say next will be critical.
The Apostle Paul encourages words that build up rather than tear down (Eph 4:29). We need our children and teens to listen to reproof (Prov 9:8; 15:32); therefore, we need to talk to them in ways that encourage them to listen (cf., James 3:17-18).
Sarcasm or Thoughtless Joking
Often adults get sarcasm, irony, and satire confused. Pointing out something ironic or the use of satire to make an important point in a loving way to help the child or teenager grow in maturity or godliness is appropriate when used sparingly in conversation. The Apostle Paul uses satire (1 Cor 4:13-18). Jesus uses irony (Matt 7:3-4). If your word’s intended purpose is to bring attention or clarity to a situation, then they may be helpful when used occasionally. However, sarcasm which insults, belittles, or elevates the speaker rather than the listener fails to honor God and kills conversation with a child or teenager. Sarcasm crushes the soul of the child or teenager to whom it is aimed. Who would want to engage an adult who makes the child or teenager the constant butt of sarcasm or jokes?
The Apostle Paul commends speech that is consistently truth in love (Eph 4:15), builds up rather than tears down (Eph 4:29), and is not foolish talk or coarse joking (Eph 5:4). Jesus provided a stern warning against speaking in harsh words or attitudes (Matt 5:22). One writer calls sarcasm lightheartedly hateful.
Therefore when talking to a child or teenager, the motive must be godly and clear. Your words and tone cannot leave in question the motive or purpose of what is said. Paul reminds us that as followers of Jesus Christ with a godly, new disposition, we are to use words that are humble, kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving as Christ in nature (Eph 4:2-3, 32).
Impatience
Have you found it easy to be impatient with your child or teenager? That sentence comes across as a joke, doesn’t it? Of course you have. We do not wonder why impatience is condemned and patience is commanded in the Bible (Col 3:12-13; Gal 5:22; 1 Thess 5:14; Eph 4:2). Patience demonstrates spiritual maturity and humility.
Yet, most adults struggle with patience. Instead, children and teenagers experience the loss and injury of impatience. In whatever area the child or teenager needs instruction, help, or wisdom, in order to hear it, the child or teenager must deal first with the adult’s impatience – which is particularly hard. Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child (Prov 22:15), rather than a love for the fear of God and respect of adults. However, when a trusted adult demonstrates impatience, it shifts the goal or purpose of the conversation. The child or teenager gets distracted by the sin of impatience rather than being able to focus on the problem or need at hand.
The Apostle Paul describes love as patient and kind (1 Cor 13:4). As such, we choose to love well and help put our child or teenager in the best possible place to grow in maturity and godliness when we exercise patience with him or her. Just as a preacher should correct, rebuke and encourage with great patience and careful instruction, so also should adults who desire a godly impact on a child or teenager (2 Tim 4:2). As an adult with a passion to see the child or teenager grow into a God-honoring, Christ-exalting, Spirit-walking young person, we do not want to become weary in well-doing, which often gets demonstrated through impatience (Gal 6:9).
Disinterested Listening
Have you ever talked with someone when you believe the other person is not listening? Of course you have. We all have. I remember one person that I used to work under who would never look up from his computer to listen. Yes, I could talk, but he was always distracted by something on his computer. Many times, he would only partially listen or not listen at all. I would catch him away from his office or call him into mine in order to talk with him – anywhere away from the computer. What used to be computers is now phones. How often do you talk with someone and that other person cannot quit looking at the phone or smart watch long enough to convince you he or she is even listening?
Your children and teenagers notice this as well. The phone, television, computer, newspaper, magazine, or book can never be more important than listening to your child or teenager. Of course, in any one moment, we may need to ask for the child or teenager to postpone talking for a moment to let you pay attention to something, finish writing a thought, or finish a different conversation. However, your child or teenager should never feel like he or she is in competition with Netflix, sports entertainment, video games, or Facebook.
Instead, listen. Then, listen some more. You will love the benefits in the life of and relationship with your child or teenager.
Just as God listens to us, we need to listen with interest to our child or teenager (Ps 5:3; 18:6; 34:15; 130:1-2). We must listen before giving an answer – or to even know what is on the heart of our child or teenager (Prov 18:13).
And, after you listen, then ask good follow-up questions to learn more. As much as possible, ask questions rather than giving opinion. Let the child or teenager think through responses rather than bottom-lining the answer without a good discussion.
Minimal Self Control
A child or teenager needs to know that he or she can trust your response to what is being said. If you have a hard time controlling yourself physically, your words, your attitude, or your response, a child or teenager will quit talking. If there is minimal confidence in the wisdom and self control of the adult, the child or teenager will choose to say much less, not more. Upon being threatened by discipline or other harm, a child or teenager may eventually answer an adult in a moment, but the larger goal of open conversation will be lost.
How do you respond when you hear what your child or teenager says? Do you maintain self control? Or, will you fly off the handle, threaten bodily harm to someone, use insults, call names, and otherwise respond in sinful anger? Are you a city without walls (Prov 25:28)?
An adult who understands the gospel and looks to Jesus as an example, also recognizes the essential nature of self control (Eph 4:2). Also translated gentleness, to have self control implies that you do not hurt the object you are handling. You can be trusted. The Apostle Paul describes self control as a fruit of the Spirit and says to restore with self control as well (Gal 5:22; 6:1). Both Jesus and Moses were marked by their self control. Where you are, you will find that conversation and trust gets much easier with your child or teenager.
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